Felix Conrad Talks about Transgender Research, Crossdreaming and Beach Clubbing

September 6, 2015, 4:47 am

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Felix Conrad recently set up a new site called The Transcend Movement, focusing on crossdreaming and transgender issues.  We have talked to him about how to cope as transgender, his new ebook, his devastating dismissal of the autogynephilia theory and Brazilian supermodels.

On the beach

Trans philosopher Felix Conrad brings crossdreaming to the beaches of the Mediterranean (Photo: Design Pics/Tomas del Amo)

Felix, you have taken an unusual approach to crossdreamer blogging. Your site is not so much a blog, but more of a beach lounge or club for all things crossdreaming. What made you chose this form of communication?

My philosophy of design is quite simple... I look at what everyone else is doing, and then kick it in the nuts. Within reason.

We - and especially you - are in the business of online community building, so I decided to play with the idea of giving that community an imagined space... a beach club located within an ideal, coastal transgender community.

In this case I think my imagination got the better of me...but this is about cross'dreaming' after all.

I have also noted that you do not shy away from communicating crossdreamer dreams and desires in an 'in your face' kind of way. There are Brazilian super models, and more Brazilian super models, which fit well with the beach club theme, I guess, but which some might find sexist. Is this your way of opening up a discussion?

Sorry, Jack... no such lofty intentions. I have a long running obsession with Alesandra Ambrosio which both I - and my children - find completely ridiculous. So, when I claim my book will 'guaranteed turn you into a Brazilian supermodel' I'm laughing at myself.

I sometimes think there is a remarkable lack of humour in the transgender community. Being able to take yourself and life seriously, but realize that, in another sense you/it are absurd, is an immense liberation.

Femephilia and autogynephilia

In your book on crossdreaming you use the term femephilia to refer to sexual arousal at the idea of being a woman. What is the difference between this term and the term crossdreaming, as you see it?

Femephilia is a sexological term - like homosexual. It's cold. Crossdreamer is a term of popular culture - like 'gay.' It's huggable.


So this has nothing to do with Virginia Prince's femmiphilia concept?

...Whoops... this is where I admit I never got round to checking that out. So... that's a 'no.' To be honest... it's not a term I'm wildly enamored with. I use cross gender arousal and crossdreaming more.

You say you coined the term femephilia to avoid the term autogynephilia. Still, you call your book Everyman's Guide to Autogynephilia, and you use the term in the book. Is this an attempt to catch the attention of crossdreamers who have seen this term used online?

It's logistical. If I didn't use it... no one would find it on Amazon. The term is, I imagine, still the most common point of entry into our community.

I can't remember what I entered into the internet to discover more about my sexuality ... but the first thing it showed me was autogynephilia. That is something we should work on, by the way: we can't have people having that as their first exposure to crossdreaming culture.

The deeper female self

In your book you elegantly dismiss simplistic models of what causes crossdreaming, to the point of arguing that the discussion on whether it is caused by a sexual drive or a manifestation of a deeper female self is irrelevant. What do you mean by this?

Felix Conrad has brought a new sense of aesthetics to the crossdreamer community.

The main reason it's irrelevant is that it's impossible to prove either way. I really don't understand why people don't get this: you cannot prove that autogynephilia causes transsexualism or vice versa.

Recently, though, I just feel burned out on the whole 'sexual motivation issue.' I've spent months writing about autogynephilia theory and my honest feeling is it was a waste of time.

Once you seriously analyse it from a philosophical perspective - and not a 'stroppy transgender perspective' (what I had before), you see that it really is laughable and so full of logical fallacies it is not worthy of serious contemplation.

My philosophy more and more these days is...

....'transgender...it is what it is...deal with it.'

What I mean is that the causes of the condition just aren't going to help you in any way... so you should focus on living with it here and now... not where it came from.

Coming out as what?

You have chosen to focus on what you call late onset crossdreamers and transsexuals who were born as men and who have a history of femephilia. I guess this is partly because of your own life experience. Can you tell us something of your story.

You know something Jack... for all my words, and blog posts, and books... I can honestly say that I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I would probably like to come out to my friends... but I don't know exactly what I'd be coming out as.

ME: "Hi... everyone... I've called you all here so I can finally come out."
FRIENDS: "Come out as what?"
ME: "I'm still working on that one."

All I know is the following: my whole life, crossing gender was just about sex... and then one day it wasn't.

I will - over the next months - tell more of my story; I'm tiring of semi-scientific analysis and think I should just get to the point. It's what I call the 'mirror conversation'... you look yourself in the eye and go "who are you... and what the fuck do you want?"

Crossdressing and behavior

You write: "There isn't really such a thing as a transvestite -- there is only transvestite behavior." Could you tell us what you mean by this?

Transvestitism implies a hierarchy of desire with women's clothing at the top. But the clothing is just a medium of the true desire: to be a woman.

Coping with crossdreaming

I really appreicate you matter-of-fact, pragmatic, approach to crossdreaming. In many ways your book is a help-book on how to live with crossdreaming if you are not transitioning. Can you tell us what you consider the three most important coping strategies?

Alcoholism, excessive masturbation, and online communities.

No seriously, the three most important strategies are...

1. Reinvent what 'being a man' means to you - .
2. Reinvent what 'being a woman' means to you - .
3. Mash together 1 and 2... and create the new you.

Giving in to oppression?

There is one thing that worries me a bit, though. Your test for whether you should transition is "Am I going to be happy?" I am simplifying a bit here, but you seem to base the possibility of MTF happiness on whether you are going to pass as a woman or not. Isn't this playing up to the rules of a transphobic society? Shouldn't this be as much about changing society as us adapting to it?

This is a very, very important issue, Jack. You are absolutely right. A large part of my argument is that the person won't pass and will get a lot of negativity, and therefore shouldn't transition.

By this logic... a psychologist would have said to a gay guy in the 70s... "don't go out hand in hand with your boyfriend cos they'll beat you up." But it was only the pioneers going out hand in hand that conditioned people to the idea and then made it stop looking so strange and hate inspiring. So I get your point.

However, you forget one thing... as stated in the blurb for the book... it is specifically designed for people who - for whatever reason - can't or wont transition. I specifically warn that serious dysphoria cases should not read or buy the book. The book is to help people like you and me deal with never transitioning... and thus intentionally looks for the negative in transition.

Allesandra Ambrosio's reaction to hearing about Blanchard's autogynephilia theory.

That book was written from that perspective. My most recent essay was written more from a militant transgender perspective, and has a different approach.

However, I won't deny that I think 'passing' is an extremely difficult issue on so many levels. We live in an appearance obsessed society. Basically, Jack... I'm working on this issue.

Given your studies of crossdreaming and transgender, what books would you recommend to other crossdreamers, and why?

You always make me feel guilty because you are so well read in this area. I am appallingly under read. My recommendation would be general books that can be applied to crossdreaming. The one that comes to mind is Think your way to happiness by Windy Dryden.

This book is a basic course in critical thinking about your own thoughts and emotions. Every crossdreamer needs to know the difference between 'dream' and 'reality' and critical thinking is the key. That is one of the main reasons I like the term 'crossDREAMING'. Dreams fascinate me... dreams are both beautiful and powerful and dangerous.

The male to female crossdreamers without the ability of critical thinking soon get wrapped up in their dreams and when that happens they can start believing anything... that they look like Alessandra Ambrosio for example.

Links

The Transcend Movement, Felix Conrad's Crossdreamer Beach Club.

Autogynephilia: Everyman's guide to autogynephilia, crossdreaming and late onset transsexualism, by Felix Conrad (available as ebook from amazon and other online stores).
Think Your Way to Happiness (Overcoming common problems), by Windy Dryden.

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The Two Traditions of Thinking about Transgender

September 13, 2015, 8:02 am

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There are two major strands in modern sexology, both going back to the late 19th century. One is binary, gender conservative and interprets gender variation as mental illness; the other is liberal, trans-positive and understands sex and gender as complex continuums.

I have read a lot of transgender history. Too much, probably. This also applies to the science of transgender and the philosophy of transgender.

In her book Sex and Temperament from 1935, Margaret Mead presented an amazing variation in gender roles and expressions in different cultures, debunking one and for all the idea that all masculine and feminine behavior is inborn. (Cover of 1950 Mentor paperback edition).

There is one important lesson I have learned from all of this: Every single original idea  had been presented before 1915.

The binary, pathologizing, tradition

100 years ago you would find it all:

The binary theory of two completely separate sexes, male and female, was already there. So was the idea that gender variations are perversions threatening society's "evolutionary fitness".

As now, many researchers argued that transgender conditions was caused by variations in the presence of hormones in the womb. This applied to sexual orientation too; many researchers had some difficulty keeping the two apart, then as now.

Others argued that it had to do with bad upbringings, blaming -- for instance -- strong mothers and weak fathers. Feminists, homosexuals and "primitive", non-white, people could also be blamed for spreading these "diseases".

Then, as now, the main fear was of the feminization of boys. Society needed strong, masculine, rational boys to fight wars, colonize the world and govern society, and because of this the emotional, feminine sissies -- gay or trans -- were a threat to the system.

(Tomboys and FTM transgender were also a problem, but did not constitute the same threat to the social order. After all, the fact that women wanted to be men made sense; the MTFs, on the other hand, had to be mad to desire the life of a woman.)

This binary tradition can be traced from Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing and his book Psychopathia Sexualis in 1886. via the Freudian psychoanalysts and John Money of the 20th century, up to the current autogynephilia theory of Ray Blanchard.

What unifies this tradition is not the explanation for what causes gender dysphoria or gender identity conflicts. The researchers will blame it on inherited degeneracy, hormones or feminist mothers, all depending on the researcher's natural inclinations and cultural context. What unites them is the need to present gender variation as something unnatural and unacceptable.


In this tradition it is also easy to see a distinct lack for empathy for the transgender clients, patients or research subjects. The disgust many of the researchers feel for gender variant people is very clear.

The bearded patriarchs of pathologizing binary sexology: Krafft-Ebing and Blanchard. These two are, together with John Money, the most of obsessive of the collectors of "sexual paraphilias".

In the Freudian tradition, psychoanalysts would gladly torture their patients in order to condition them away from their unwanted behavior (using electroshock, nausea inducing drugs and forced hospitalization).

Today Blanchard and his followers still believe conversion therapy for transgender kids is a good idea, and they never doubt their right to dismiss the identity of trans women (calling them men) and reducing crossdressing to a sexual "paraphilia".

The liberal continuum tradition

The continuum approach and the idea that crossdressers and transsexuals represents healthy cases of human diversity, was also present in 1915.

In fact, you could argue that this tradition has been as strong and influential as the binary one ever since.

Within this tradition the researchers have been much less likely to think of transgender conditions as diseases or mental illnesses. Or -- at least -- they will not question the legitimacy of the transgender person's identity or sense of self.

These researchers are also more likely to explore a large number of variables when discussing the causes of transgender conditions -- biological, personal and cultural -- as well as the complex interactions between them.

Researchers in this tradition tend to feel empathy and love for transgender and queer people. As doctors and therapists they genuinely try to help them find peace with themselves.

Magnus Hirschfeld also postulated the binary of the absolute man and the absolute woman, but he did not think of them as realistic goals of gender development. Instead he argued that everyone belonged somewhere between these two extremes. This is the basis for the continuum theory. (From Hirschfeld: Geschlechtskunde. vol. 4, Stuttgart 1930)

Among the big names in the continuum and diversity tradition we find the German master of sexology, Magnus Hirschfeld, his student Harry Benjamin, the American sexologist Alfred Kinsey and trans-activists/researchers like Susan Stryker, Joan Roughgarden and Julia Serano.  The famous anthropologist Margaret Mead also belonged to this tradition.

Reverse engineering or forcing round pegs into square holes

An important difference between the two traditions is that researchers in the binary tradition seems to "know" the answer to their research question from the very beginning.

The question is not whether gender variance is pathological or bad, that is already given in the theories they are basing their research on. The question is how to explain why some people derail from the norm in this way.

The binary mental map is normally anchored in the idea that sex is for procreation, and any sex or gender identification that does not lead to natural procreation is "evolutionary maladaptive", and therefore pathological.

Proper gender roles are defined on the basis of 19th century ideals of proper masculinity (aggressive, rational and proactive) and proper femininity (passive, emotional and reactive). Deviations from this "division of labor" is considered a threat to the survival of humanity (which is implicitly understood to be white, Western, patriarchal society).

It is this intellectual "lock-in" into a way of thinking that has already defined what is constructive or destructive, that makes it so hard to discuss transgender lives with these researchers. They have been socialized into a scientific tradition that requires them to think this way, and they simply do not understand appeals to facts that lie outside this intellectual framework.

The thinkers in the continuum tradition are in general much more open-minded than the binarists. They tend to underline the complexity of sex and gender and are much more willing to question the whole paradigm or world view underpinning Western ideas of sex and gender.

Margaret Mead, for instance, spent a lot of time researching gender variation in other cultures, concluding that gender roles were too diverse to be based on biological evolution alone.

I believe it is this openness to complexity that makes them more likely to accept and respect the stories told by transgender people. Although, it may also be the other way around: Their ability to see the whole person behind the unexpected behavior or identity, forces them to question the prejudices of their day and go several steps beyond tradition and scientific dogma.

Because of this they often try to "reverse engineer" the transgender and queer paradoxes. Instead of starting out with some pseudo-Darwinian model of "evolutionary fitness", they start out accepting the diversity they see, and then try to explain how this gender variation may contribute to the survival of society. Joan Roughgarden's research on sex and gender diversity in the animal kingdom is an excellent example of this.

Crossdreamer thinking

A new example of this kind of "transgender reverse engineering" is found in crossdreamer philosopher Felix Conrad's approach to gender dysphoria and being transgender.

Unlike some crossdreamers he does not accept the binary, pathologizing, narrative as is. Instead he starts with exploring his own feelings and his own suffering, using that experience to try to explain what is really going on with him.

He does not dismiss the binary model out of hand. In fact, he spends a lot of time over at his site transcendmovement.com discussing the idea that he could be a "transvestic fetishist" or an "autogynephiliac", but find all these approaches lacking. They do not explain what he is experiencing.

And like most thinkers belonging to the non-binary tradtion, he does not think he has found the final grand theory that explains it all.

The following podcast is, as I see it, an excellent example of the humanist, continuum tradition being very much alive and healthy today. In this episode Felix tries to explain why some transgender people come to understand what they are at a later age, using another personal experience to approach the interaction between biology and culture.

Be warned, though: Felix uses irony and humor to spice up his philosophy.

Video originally posted over at transcendmovement.

Further reading

For a good discussion of the development of the the two strands of transgender research and philosophy, see: How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States, by Joanne Meyerowitz

Fuckology: Critical Essays on John Money's Diagnostic Concepts, by  Lisa Downing, Iain Morland  and Nikki Sullivan, gives an excellent view into the thinking of one of the most influential researchers on intersex and transgender in the 20th century: John Money. The authors explain why Money was not as liberal as he believed himself to be, and why his classifications of "sexual paraphilias" was nothing but a  continuation of the stigmatizing "perversions" of his predecessors.

There are many other books that discuss the history of science on gender and transgender, as well as the complexities of these pheonomena. Here are some of my favorites:

• Evolution's Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People, by Joan Roughgarden
• Sexing the Body: Gender Politics and the Construction of Sexuality, by Anne Fausto-Sterling
• Myths Of Gender: Biological Theories About Women And Men, by Anne Fausto-Sterling
• The Invention of Heterosexual Culture, by Louis-Georges Tin
• Straight, the Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality, by Hanne Blank
• Making Sex, Body and Gender from the Greeks to Freud, by Thomas Laqueur
• Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, by Cordelia Fine
• Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps -- And What We Can Do About It, by Lise Eliot 
• The History of Sexuality,by Michel Foucault 
• Sex Differences: Developmental and Evolutionary Strategies, by Linda Mealey
• Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, by Julia Serano
• Transgender History, by Susan Stryker

12 Essential Books on Transgender

September 21, 2015, 3:22 am

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Here's another look at my transgender bookshelf. This time I present books on transgender and queer topics in general.

Illustration by Olyzel

Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity, by Julia Serano.

Serano has become our leading trans philosophers. This book is of special interest to MTF crossdreamers, as she is one of the trans activists that openly discuss crossdreaming in a non-stigmatizing way.

How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States, by Joanne Meyerowitz

A fascinating discussion of the the transgender history of ideas, not only in the US, but also in Europe. Most of the models of transgender we find among activists and researchers these days were there 100 years ago.

The transgender phenomenon, by Richard Ekins, Dave King.

Magnus Hirschfeld

A sociological approach to transgender. Includes a discussion of the autogynephilia theory.

Transvestites: The Erotic Drive To Cross Dress (New Concepts in Human Sexuality), by Magnus Hirschfeld.

This book was originally published in Germany in 1910. It remains one of the best books on crossdressing and transsexuality, written with empathy and a deep respect for the life journeys of the transgender persons he presents. Please note that for Hirschfeld the term "transvestite" is an umbrella term for all shades of transgender.

The Transsexual Phenomenon, by Harry Benjamin

Harry Benjamin followed in the footsteps of his teacher Magnus Hirschfeld, basing his studies of crossdressers, crossdreamers and trans women on  empathy and a wish to help. His model has unfortunately been used to put up a  fence between crossdressers and trans women, sorting them into "fetishists" and "real" trans women. That was not what he set out to do

Whipping Girl, with a trans-positive view of crossdreaming

Transgender History, by Susan Stryker

The fascinating story about transgender activism and its interface with the medical community. Stryker is an associate professor of Gender and Women's Studies at the University of Arizona,

Gender Outlaw, by Kate Bornstein

A radical approach to sex, gender and gender identity. This book has meant a lot for the development of the modern understanding of sex and gender.

Finding the Real Me: True Tales of Sex and Gender Diversity, Tracie O'Keefe  and Katrina Fox  (editors)

Fascinating collection of transgender life stories. By the way Tracie O'Keefe was one of the first to document FTM crossdreamers.

The Psychobiology of Transsexualism and Transgenderism, A New View Based on Scientific Evidence, by Thomas E. Bevan

Some might argue that Bevan is too uncritical in his acceptance of medical and biological research into transgender. Maybe, but the book gives a very good overview of of the such research, and he argues convincingly for genetic, epigenetic and hormonal factors influencing the development of gender identity.

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More, by Janet Mock

Janet Mock from janetmock.com

The amazing biography of a trans woman who does not hide the dark sides of  transgender and who insists on including all in the transgender family.

She's not there: a life in two genders, by Jennifer Finney Boylan

The fascinating life story of a so-called "late onset"  transsexual woman.

Excluded, by Julia Serano

This book has a somewhat narrower focus than Whipping Girl, and some of the readers of this blog might find that a debate of trans women being excluded from feminist spaces somewhat irrelevant to their own lives. Still, by discussing this topic she sheds light on all types of social exclusion and how it is used to force people into the traditional roles of gender and sexuality.

In the next part I will present books on sex and gender in general.

Please add a comment if there are other books you have found helpful and interesting. I will add them to the permanent list of trans-relevant books.

See also part 1 in this series, which covers books on crossdreaming and crossdressing.

What Dr. Zhana Vrangalova Taught Me About Transphobia in Science

October 8, 2015, 6:50 am

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This is the story about how science can be used to persecute transgender people, and on how some seemingly well-intended LGBT-allies can contribute to transphobia.

Zhana Vrangalova Photo by Enid Alvarez, New York Daily News

In this post I will give you the story about Dr. Zhana Vrangalova's support for the transphobic autogynephilia theory.

The Vrangalova story is interesting because it is such a clear an example of how scientific theories can be used to recruit even  the most well-meaning helpers to the oppression of trans people.

And yes, in this post I will prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that the autogynephilia theory is transphobic.

Context

Those of you who do not know the ins and outs of this stagnant backwater of transgender research, may make note of the following:

1. The auogynephilia/AGP theory, created by Dr. Ray Blanchard of Toronto, says that there is a separate category of trans women who are motivated by a sexual paraphilia (perversion) that drives them towards transitioning.  They are, according to Blanchard, sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as a woman. The word is also used to describe male to female crossdressers and crossdreamers who do not transition.

2. Dr J. Michael Bailey is a supporter of Dr. Blanchard, and the author of The Man Who Would be Queen, a book that popularizes Blanchard's theory, dividing the world of trans women into two: "autogynephile transsexuals" (non-homosexual perverted men, according to Blanchard & Bailey) and homosexual transsexuals (extremely effeminate gay men).

3. Zhana Vrangalova is a sexologist; she has PhD in Developmental Psychology from Cornell and is currently an adjunct professor at the NYU Psychology department.

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SIDEBAR This is not a blog post about the scientific value of the autogynephilia theory. This is a post about how it is used to harm MTF crossdreamers and trans women. I have elsewhere documented that  the science is bad, and that it has been thoroughly falsified by other researchers. You will find links to papers and blog posts showing this here. I have also written several blog posts on the scientific defects of the autogynephilia theory.

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LGBT-support and autogynephilia do not mix

On June 13 Vrangalova tweeted a link to an interview the religious site Patheos had made with Bailey, adding the statement "There are 2 types of trans women".

I have been following Vrangalova since she often tweets interesting links to all things sexology. She has become an active spokesperson for the polyamorous amongst us. I also knew her as a supporter of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) rights, so her promoting Bailey in this way surprised me.

After all, the autogynephilia model is considered to be one of the most invalidating and stigmatizing theories around right now. It is routinely used by right wing religious  fundamentalists and left wing trans-exclusionary "radical" feminists to harass and invalidate trans women. It has been dismissed by transgender activists as toxic and unfounded, and has very little support among front line health professionals in the field.

The Vrangalova Dialogue

I responded in accordance with this, hoping I had been mistaken about the dear Doctor's intentions:

Click to enlarge!

Not only did she confirm that she believes the autogynephilia theory is good science. She even pulled the expert-card, rejecting trans activists because they are not scientists. The opinions of those who actually live and breathe as transgender every single day were dismissed by the doctor, simply because they have a vested interest in this conflict.

This is an argument that has been used over and over again by those who support Blanchard and Bailey, so I should not be surprised. But still, for someone who in other contexts show insight into how queer people are marginalized and invalidated by such various forms of suppression, this was more than a little disappointing.

Science is not neutral

The same tactic was once used by racist "eugenics"-researchers who dismissed the civil rights movement, because black people where not scientists and didn't understand the statistics (which at that time "proved" that black people were simple-minded, lazy and over-sexed). 

And yes, there were also those old bearded doctors who in their wisdom concluded that all feminist women were mentally ill, out of touch with their true nature, and suffering from hysteria. Given that women in general were denied higher education, nothing of what they said mattered anyway.

I am not saying that oppressed people are always right. But open-minded, progressive activists like Vrangalova might want to take a deep breath and consider the motives of scientists before playing the science card against non-scientists.

Transgender scientists

Here's the ironic part: If Vrangalova had done her home-work, she would have known that nearly all the main trans activists opposing Blanchard and Bailey have solid  academic backgrounds. 

Let me mention a few: Lynn Conway, professor; Joan Roughgarden, professor;  Deirdre McCloskey, professor; Andrea James, MA; Jaimie Veale, Post Doc; Kelley Winters, Ph.D; Talia Mae Bettcher, Professor.  And yes, I am also trained as a researcher.

Somehow the AGP-supporters have created their own myth about the uneducated trans activists, and is now using that myth to invalidate those that oppose the autogynephilia-theory.

The educational level should not matter, though. We can read, we can write, we have real life experience. That should be enough. Indeed, the great researchers in this field have always listened attentively to the ideas of transgender people. Read the research of Magnus Hirschfeld and Harry Benjamin if you do not believe me.

Is the autogynephilia theory transphobic?

The next line is even more fascinating: "Who wrongly think it [the autogynephilia theory] is transphobic."

Hm. If being being transphobic means that you have to be afraid of trans people to the point of not wanting to shake their hands or something, I guess she is right. I mean, in the same way American slave owners were not racist. After all, they were not afraid to touch their slaves.

We know that both Blanchard and Bailey have met trans women. Blanchard met some at the Clarke Institute in Toronto (now known as CAMH). The only original "research" in Bailey's book The Man Who Would be Queen is based on him meeting a couple of androphilic (man-loving) trans women while Bailey were cruising clubs.

"She was stunning... My avowedly heterosexual male research assistant told me he would gladly have had sex with her, even knowing that Kim still possessed a penis." (p. 182)

"Juanita is a very attractive postoperative transsexual who has worked as a call girl both before and since her operation... she does not feel degraded and guilty about what she does for a living. I suspect that this reflects an aspect of her psychology that has remained male... her ability to enjoy emotionally meaningless sex appears male-typical. In this sense, homosexual transsexuals [he is actually referring to heterosexual trans women] might be especially well suited to prostitution.] (p. 185)

So yes, B&B have met trans women, but it is extremely hard to conclude that their statements about these encounters are not transphobic and stereotyping. They are definitely not based on science.

From homophobia to transphobia

Indeed, Bailey effectively anchors autogynephilia in a scientific tradition that is not only transphobic, it is also homophobic and -- would you believe it! -- connected to ideas fetched from the discredited eugenics/mental hygiene tradition of psychiatry (where sterilization and/or euthanasia often were considered legitimate solutions to unwanted human diversity).

Bailey says that "Homosexuality is evolutionary maladaptive." (p. 116) And since the non-autogynephilic trans women are effeminate homosexual men in his book, I guess that also makes them maladaptive. 

Bailey suggests that aborting gay fetuses should be considered OK, if the parents would not like to have a homosexual child or out of the desire to "spare their children the difficulties of societal intolerance of homosexuality".  (p 114) He has even published a paper defending abortion on the basis of sexual orientation. 

He does not say anything about aborting "autogynephiles", though, but given that Blanchard thinks that autogynephilia is inborn, I guess that should be possible too, in the Brave New World of B&B.

Yes, I do know that James Cantor, B&B friend and AGP supporter is gay. I have seen the argument that  Blanchard himself is gay. But being gay has never stopped men from being homophobic, in the sense of supporting an ideology that invalidates gay people. My guess is that the main driving force here is the traditional contempt for femininity in men. What Bailey wants to avoid is the burden of being a feminine man or having a feminine son.

Is Bailey supporting homophobic attitudes? Definitely! 

Sissies throwing like girls

Blanchard argues that he only wants to help autogynehphilic trans women, but he insists on calling them men, which is not helping at all, and extremely invalidating. 

Motherboard asked him once in an interview: "Do you think that classifying transgender people as having a disorder does contribute to stigma against the trans community?"

His answer:

"No. I mean how many people who make a joke about trannies consult the DSM [psychiatric manual] first?"

Toxic language aside, it is amazing that Blanchard cannot see that having health personnel calling transgender patients sexual perverts (as defined by the DSM manual) is contributing to stigma against the trans community.

In the same interview he goes on to argue that calling someone a sissy is OK:

"I mean, what are you going to do? Nobody says you throw a ball like a cross-gender identified boy."

These comments clearly show that Blanchard not only despises femininity in boys. I find it hard to believe that his contempt for trans women does not in any way influence the way he does research.

Trans people turned into specimens

Blanchard is deeply embedded in what I have called the binary, pathologizing, tradition of transgender research. For Blanchard "normal" sexuality is all about reproduction. On this basis he meticulously makes up new pesudo-greek words for sexual fantasies that do not fit his narrow view of a normal heterosexual intercourse ("gynandromorphophilia" and "teleiophilia" anyone?) That might have been acceptable in the 1890s, but in 2015? Come on!

I sense no empathy, no real wish to help and understand here, only this obsessive desire to put people into boxes. To Blanchard, "autogynephiliacs" are exotic specimens in his collection of human perversions. 

When Motherboard asked him:  "So, in your point of view, science rules. Scientific inquiry is the first priority, whatever it might mean for social justice?", Blanchard answered: "If you put it in abstract terms, it makes me sound vaguely lunatic."

No, not lunatic -- I do not think Blanchard is insane -- but he is suffering from a severe empathy deficiency and from what can be described as a severe "ethical target location error".

By the way, in the same interview, Blanchard also argues homosexuality should be considered a mental illness.

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SIDEBAR: Read the amazing story about how Ray  Blanchard's definition of paraphilia  ended up making his own personal preferences and prejudices the basis for who are going to be labelled sexual perverts in America.

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Bailey's love for AGP

Bailey pretends he has a heart for "the autogynephiliacs", that is true; he says so even in the interview linked to by Vrangalova. 

Imogen Binnie describes the true nature of J. Michael Bailey in her book Nevada. Click to enlarge!

He argues that “Autogynephilia is nothing to be ashamed of,” and  that people who admit and deal with their autogynephilia are even admirable. This admiration requires, however, that the "autogynephiliac" admits that he or she is motivated by a male sexuality, and that the experience of having a female identity is an illusion. 

Bailey reminds me of the kind of right wing Christians who feign admiration for gay men who stay celibate. "We love you, brother, as long as you do not behave like a gay man!"

But hey, Blanchard and Bailey are not calling all "autogynephiliacs" mentally ill, are they? There is a difference between "paraphilia" and "paraphilic disorder", they say, and only those suffering from a "paraphilic disorder" are mentally ill. 

Ray Blanchard has reduced the complexity of  sex and gender to one single dimension: homosexual vs. non-homosexual. According to the AGP-supporters anyone who deputes this simplistic approach is either deluded  or lying. Photo from twitter.

I am not so sure the trans-haters out there will appreciate and respect the difference. That doesn't matter, however, because all who are impaired or distressed by their gender dysphoria are disordered according to this schema, Caitlyn Jenner and me included.

In other words: Only those who threaten the traditional binary gender system and the traditional white, Western, middle class ideals of normal sex are mentally ill. The rest are still paraphilic, mind you, but not mentally ill.  

Thank Blanchard for small favors!

Allowing surgery

Some have told me that Blanchard and Bailey are friends of trans women, because they will allow "autogynephiles" to get hormone therapy and bottom surgery. 

This seems to be Vrangalova's point as well:

Click on image to read

I can't possibly be the only one to find this utterly bizarre. 

If Blanchard and Bailey were right in that bisexual and woman-loving trans women are mentally ill (which they are not), it would be unethical and dangerous for the health system to give in to such "delusions". Not only because the patient would be living a lie, but because the same health system would make their new lives living hell by telling the whole world that they are sexually perverted men. 

Does Bailey really think it will help Caitlyn Jenner that he denies her sense of self and reduces her female identity to a man's "erotic target location error"? Does Bailey really think we will be able to reduce the insane number of trans women being murdered each year, by arming the sexist bastards out there with these cultural A-bombs?

And isn't it interesting that neither Blanchard nor Bailey have spent any time on finding ways of helping crossdreamers and trans women?  Nope, instead they have wasted gallons of digital ink on explaining why all trans women are sexual deviants. 

"Autogynephilia is a fact"

I have lost count of how many times I have heard that autogynephilia is a fact, because many MTF trans people get aroused imagining themselves as their target sex. 

This is not the issue. Most transgender activist recognize the existence of such fantasies. Trans researcher Jaimie Veale calls this "cross-gender arousal". Julia Serano has suggested the terms "female/feminine embodiment fantasies" or "male/masculine embodiment fantasies". This blog is devoted to what I have called "crossdreaming", which means the same thing.

Calling MTF trans people autogynephilic, however, is both unethical and transphobic because the word autogynephilia refers not only to the phenomenon of crossdreaming, it refers to the explanation given by Blanchard and Bailey. The word itself means "love of oneself as a woman", which is based to the mistaken idea that this is a "erotic target location error", and therefore a paraphilia and a mental illness.

No doubt Vrangalova, with her PhD in sexology, knows this. 

The autogynephilia theory reflects extreme transphobia

Oxford Dictionary defines transphobia "Intense dislike of or prejudice against transsexual or transgender people". Macmillan simply refers to it as "prejudice towards or unfair treatment of transgender people". The autogynephilia theory is all about contempt, prejudice and unfair treatment of trans people.

The title and the cover of Bailey's book does not hide the author's contempt for transgender women.

It is also absolutely clear that it leads to internalized transphobia, defined by WPATH as "Discomfort with one’s own transgender feelings or identity as a result of internalizing society’s normative gender expectations."

Having your sense of self reduced to a sexual perversion can be devastating. I have lost count of the number of crossdreamers and trans women who have told me they have been close to suicide because of this diagnosis.

How many who have actually killed themselves because of this, I do not know. Given the anonymous nature of many such interactions, I have no way of knowing what caused so many of my online crossdreamer acquaintances to fall off the grid.

The Bailey - Vrangalova connection

Vrangalova has not written anything about autogynephilia, to my knowledge. So why this need to defend the transphobia of Bailey and Blanchard? 

One contact in the transgender community pointed me in the direction of Gerulf Rieger, a student of Bailey's. Rieger gained some fame years ago, denying the existence of real bisexuals.  Vrangalova and Rieger have published together, so my guess is that she has gotten the Blanchard/Bailey narrative from him.

I hope so, because that gives her a chance to retract her statement, telling the world that she has been mislead. This would also be embarrassing for her, but less so than being known as a Blanchard-supporter in the LGBT-community.

To paraphrase J. Michael Bailey:

"There is no way to say this as sensitively as I would prefer, so I will just go ahead:"

There is no doubt that both Blanchard and Bailey present sexist and transphobic attitudes. The autogynephilia theory is clearly transphobic. Anyone who supports this theory contributes to the continuing persecution and harassment of transgender people. Anyone who does so is therefore not a friend of the LGBT community.

Selected reading:

Autogynephilia defined

Clare McBee: Towards a More Affirming Perspective: Contemporary Psychodynamic Practice with Trans* and Gender Non-conforming Individuals

Ask a sex researcher (Dr. Zhana Vrangalova on Slutever)

Dr. Zhana's blog

Lynn Conway: An investigation into the publication of J. Michael Bailey's book on transsexualism by the National Academies

Joan Roughgarden: The Bailey Affair: Psychology Perverted
Andrea James: APA Division 44
Amazing transphobic quotes from Bailey's book on transgender

Felix Conrad: Direct evidence that the autogynephilia theory fuels transphobia

Julia Serano: Psychology, Sexualization and Trans-Invalidations

Kelley Winters: Gender Madness in American Psychiatry
Lynn Conway: "CAMH battles notorious reputation of Zucker’s and Blanchard’s gender clinics with scathing report"  (Blanchard's transphobic treatment of transgender patients at the CAMH clinic cost him his job. This report explains why. Original report available as PDF here.)

APPENDIX: RESEARCH  AND HEALTH CARE ETHICS

There can be no doubt that the autogynephilia theory and Blanchard and Bailey's research are in violation of fundamental ethical principles  of both science and patient care.

I have included relevant extracts from documents describing basing ethical principles for research and health care in this sidebar!

US Report Calls for Ban on Conversion Therapies for Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Youth

October 17, 2015, 7:03 am

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A short little update here on LGBT policies in the US, as it may help many of us gain some perspective on where the general consensus is right now as regards sexual diversity and gender variance.

The US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSHA) has published a report on so-called "conversion therapies",  based on a thorough review of current research.

The expert panel was set up by SAMHSA and the American Psychological Association (APA) earlier this year, and included prominent American figures in LGBT human rights, policy, research, treatment, and advocacy.

"This groundbreaking report dispels widespread misconceptions about sexual and gender development and definitively concludes that treatments designed to change a child's sexual orientation or gender identity do not work, are devastatingly harmful to 'victims' of this type of therapy, and should not be considered appropriate mental health services," Dr. Celia B. Fisher, who served on the expert consensus panel says.

Conversion therapy does not work

Indeed, the main conclusions in the report are clear:

• "Same-gender sexual orientation (including identity, behavior, and attraction) and variations in gender identity and gender expression are a part of the normal spectrum of human diversity and do not constitute a mental disorder.
• "There is limited research on conversion therapy efforts among children and adolescents; however, none of the existing research supports the premise that mental or behavioral health interventions can alter gender identity or sexual orientation.
• "Interventions aimed at a fixed outcome, such as gender conformity or heterosexual orientation, including those aimed at changing gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation are coercive, can be harmful, and should not be part of behavioral health treatment."

Gender variance is not pathological

The message from the American Psychological Association is also clear: Being a sexual or
gender minority, or identifying as LGBTQ, is not pathological.


The report discuss different life trajectories of transgender people, but do not set them up against each other, or give them different status or value. Both early onset and late onset transgender people are included, and female to male as well as male to female.

Society causes distress

The report takes, as much research on transgender today, biological factors into consideration. But the expert panel is also very much aware of the way social forces shape the lives of transgender:

"While most adolescents with gender dysphoria score within normal ranges on psychological tests (...), some gender minority children and adolescents have elevated risk of depression, anxiety, and behavioral issues. These psychosocial issues are likely related to if not caused by negative social attitudes or rejection (...).

As with sexual minority adolescents, other issues of clinical relevance for gender minority adolescents include increased risk of experiencing victimization and violence, suicidal ideation and attempts, and homelessness."

Gender identity caused by interplay of factors

Indeed, the experts stress that the development of gender identity "appears to be the result of a complex interplay between biological, environmental, and psychological factors."

Leave room for LGBT youth

The basic principle for health care for LGBT youth is simply to give them room to find out for themselves who they are. The goal of the treatment should be "the best possible level of psychological functioning, rather than any specific gender identity, gender expression or sexual orientation."

No support for transphobic science

As some of my readers will know, the extremist "autogynephilia"-tribe of sexology, Ray Blanchard and J. Michael Bailey included, continue to argue for conversion therapy for feminine boys and those Blanchard call "sissies".  But then again they consider male to female transgender people mentally ill.

It is clear that they find little support for this in the research and health communities. Autogynephilia is not mentioned. They will also find little support for the idea that they, as scientists, somehow stand outside the realm of ethics. This expert panel is acutely aware of the ethical responsibilities of scientists and health care providers.

You can download the report here. It is an interesting read, as it gives a useful summary of the current status of research on sexuality and gender identity.

Nope, transitioning does not actually lead to suicide

November 4, 2015, 6:07 am

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This is story about "The Science Proves What I Believe Complex", and how a Swedish study of post-op trans people  is misrepresented in order to "prove" that gender reassignment surgery is harmful.

I have now been blogging on trans and crossdreamer issues for seven years, and there is one game that never cease to amaze me. I call it the "Science Proves What I believe" complex. And it does not matter what people believe; they always seem to find a report or a paper somewhere that seem to support their position.

Anti-trans activists often lie about research to "prove" that transitioning is harmful. Photo by SIphotography.

If they cannot find such a paper, they often start misrepresenting reports, probably hoping that no one will bother to check.

The Internet is vast, though, and with a lot of clever people. There are always some people out there who take the time to check and double-check dubious statements. Cristan Williams over at Transadvocate is one of them.

Like me, she will go directly to the researcher and ask, if needed.

"The Swedish Study"

Recently we have seen a lot of anti-transgender activity where people are trying to prove that trans people who undergo gender reassignment surgery are not helped by such therapy.

Indeed, the argument now is that transitioning in this way is harmful for the ones involved, and that the alleged failure of the treatment  proves that they were delusional in the first place.

People fighting against transgender rights (TERFs, Fox News and religious fundamentalists included) make a lot out of a Swedish study on transgender people, claiming that it proves that gender reassignment leads to suicide.


Dr. Paul R. McHugh, the former psychiatrist-in-chief who closed down the gender reassignment surgery programme over at Johns Hopkins Hospital, has repeatedly said that  transitioning is “biologically impossible,” and that people who promote gender reassignment surgery are collaborating with and promoting a mental disorder. He is using the Swedish study to "prove" this.

Suicide among those undergoing gender reassignment surgery

This is what the study actually says about suicide among post-op transsexual people:

“The overall mortality for sex-reassigned persons was higher during follow-up  than for controls of the same birth sex, particularly death from suicide.”

The sentence is not saying that transgender people who has had gender reassignment are more likely to commit suicide than  transgender people who have not done so. The researchers are, for instance, comparing post-op transgender women with non-op non-transgender men. What the paper says is that those who have had such surgery are more likely to commit suicide that non-transgender people assigned the same sex as them at birth.

The researchers behind the study explicitly say that research suggests that gender reassignment of transsexual persons improves their quality of life and reduces their gender dysphoria. Given the social harassment and ostracism experienced by trans people,  a higher suicide rate among them is to be expected.

Cristan asked the main researcher behind the study, Cecilia Dehjne, about this. She puts it this way:

“Medical transition alone won’t resolve the effects of crushing social oppression: social anxiety, depression and posttraumatic stress.”

"Male patterns of criminality"

As for a claim made by transphobic "radical feminists" -- that the study shows that trans women show “male patterns of criminality” -- Dehjne points out that this only applies to the older data. For the period between 1989 to 2003, you will find no such pattern.

Dehjne explains:

“What the data tells us is that things are getting measurably better and the issues we found affecting the 1973 to 1988 cohort group likely reflects a time when trans health and psychological care was less effective and social stigma was far worse.”

Science tells a different story

I know that a lot of crossdreamers struggle with gender dysphoria. Many of these also have to fight both internal and external demons when it comes to deciding whether they should transition or not, and whether they should undergo "bottom surgery".

There isn't always a simple to solution to these dilemmas, given the complexity of life and the diversity of  life journeys. Those who have followed this blog for a while, know that I am one of those who -- for various reasons -- have decided not to go down that road.

At the same time we also see an increasing acceptance of the idea that you might transition socially without undergoing genital reconstruction.  But that does not change the fact that many need and are helped by such surgery.

I know that the general consensus among researchers in this field is such surgery most often does help, and that the regret rates are very low indeed (from one to four present). This tells me that the current  attempts to rewrite research in order to prove the opposite, very often are based on a desire to push trans people back into the closet.

If you, whether you are trans or a trans ally, come across people who misrepresent the Swedish study in any way, refer them to this post and/or the following:

• The Transadvocate: Fact check: study shows transition makes trans people suicidal (includes interview with Dehjne)
• Huff Post: Myths About Transition Regrets
• The original paper presenting the Swedish study: Cecilia Dhejne, Paul Lichtenstein, Marcus Boman, Anna L. V. Johansson, Niklas Långström, Mikael Landén: “Long-Term Follow-Up of Transsexual Persons Undergoing Sex Reassignment Surgery: Cohort Study in Sweden”

This is an extended version of a blog post originally published over at tumblr.

10 Great Books on Sex, Gender and Sexuality

November 15, 2015, 6:13 am

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In this third part of my "must read gender/transgender books" series, I look at books that discuss sex and gender in general.

Illustration by Olyzel

Much of the pain gender variant people go through is caused by the fact that their family, friends and surrounding society do not understand them.

The reason they do not understand them is that they are trapped in a binary narrative that tells them that men and women are two different species with completely different temperaments, abilities and modes of behavior. Anyone who breaks with this binary is therefore mentally ill.

Recent research, in the social sciences as well as in biology, tells us that this strict binary is wrong on many levels. What is considered proper gender expressions varies tremendously between cultures and over time.

Moreover, it turns out nature is nothing like what your school text books told you. Did you for instance know that the bonobos, our closest relative, has a matriarchal society run by females? They solve conflicts by having a lot of sex with each other, regardless of age or gender. The next time someone tells you gay sex is "unnatural", tell them about the bonobos.

Click here for part 1 of this series!

Here are some of the books I recommend:

Evolution's Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People, by Joan Roughgarden

Those who follow nature programs on TV know the script: Violent and aggressive males stalk weak and passive females in an everlasting tale of evolutionary brutality. This narrative is then used to make fun of "feminine" men.

Roughgarden shows us a natural world that is nothing like the gender stereotypes of traditional evolutionary biology.

Sexing the Body: Gender Politics and the Construction of Sexuality, by Anne Fausto-Sterling

Myths Of Gender: Biological Theories About Women And Men, by Anne Fausto-Sterling

Like Roughgarden, Fausto-Sterling is good at seeing through the stereotypes of natural science. Most of the differences between men and women are created by culture and not by nature, Fausto-Sterling argues.

A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships, by Ogi Ogas and  Sai Gaddam

Evolution's Rainbow, nature revised

I use this book mainly to debunk myths about female sexuality. Male to female crossdreamers and trans women are constantly accused of expressing a male sexuality simply because they get sexually aroused from time to time. This book tells us that women are as sexually diverse and sexually driven as men. 

Straight, the Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality, by Hanne Blank

This books contains the fascinating tale about how heterosexuality was created by scientists in the 19th century.

There had obviously been same-sex sexual relationships before this time, but no one had thought of it as a biologically given and unchangeable basis for sexual attraction. The term was created as a way of pathologizing homosexuality and gender transgressions, Blank argues.

Making Sex, Body and Gender from the Greeks to Freud, by Thomas Laqueur

Laquer's book explores the same landscape as the book above. Laqueur argues that the binary model of two different sexes is a modern idea.

Pre-modern societies had strict rules about how men and women should dress and behave, but these were based on religious and social requirements and laws, not on the idea that men and women were fundamentally biologically different.

There was only one gender, the male one, and women were considered underdeveloped and weak versions of men. If you think this sounds unbelievable you must read this book. He is definitely on to something.

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, by Cordelia Fine

Another fascinating book explains why much of what is presented as objective research is simply gender stereotyping in disguise.

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps -- And What We Can Do About It, by Lise Eliot 

Eliot takes biological research on sex and gender seriously, but her main message is that most of the gender differences we see are caused by upbringing and cultural conditioning.

Sex Differences: Developmental and Evolutionary Strategies, by Linda Mealey

This book is presented as "an advanced text for courses in evolutionary and human biology, psychology, and sexuality and gender studies." And so it is.

Gender Trouble, by Judith Butler

I have a love/hate relationship to post-structuralist philosophy. I use it to demask the demagoguery of transphobia. Still, this approach's inability to  include possible biological components influencing our personality and gender identity is extremely limiting.

Butler tries to replace biology with some kind of post-Freudian psychoanalysis, which unfortunately leads to a lot of unfounded speculation. And yes, i really, really, wish she was better at communicating. This is a hard read, but an important point of reference.

Besides, the feminist Judith Butler is a strong supporter of trans people.

The History of Sexuality, by Michel Foucault

Foucault is by far the most influential post-modern philosopher and "historian of mentalities", and the three volumes of his History of Sexuality has influenced a lot of the studies that came after.

The main message is that sexuality must always be framed within a historical and cultural context. Unfortunately the books are mostly about European antiquity, which gives them a rather narrow scope.

Please add a comment if there are other books you have found helpful and interesting. I will add them to the permanent list of trans-relevant books.

See also part 1: 13 books on Crossdressing, Crossdreaming and Gender Variance

and part 2: 10 Essential Books on Transgender and Queer

Crossdream Life Forum Moves to a New Home

November 17, 2015, 7:44 am

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The Crossdream Life forum has moved over to a new address.

You can find the new forum over at crossdreamlife.lefora.com.

The reason for the move is simple: We do not have the resources needed to run our own bulletin board system on our own server.

We have therefore outsourced the technical part to Lefora.

I am afraid old members will have to sign up again to the new forum. But in return they get some nifty new features, like video embedding, chat, skins for personal home page, polls, photo albums and more.

The old site will be kept  as an archive for the time being.

Sign up for the new Crossdream Life forum today!

(Photo: Rawpixel Ltd)

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New Brain Study Indicates Great Gender Diversity

December 1, 2015, 2:04 am

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I would like to draw your attention to a recent article in the Guardian, which covers the research of a Israeli research team who have found that there is a huge overlap between male and female brains.

A complex mix of the "feminine" and the "masculine"

The volumes (green = large, yellow = small) of brain regions in 42 adults, showing the overlap between the forms that brains of females and brains of males can take. Image by Zohar Berman and Daphna Joel

The main point for me is not whether these researcher are "right" or not. Neuroscience is in constant flux, and there will probably never be a final theory that explains everything about this extremely complex organ.

What is interesting for me is how similar research data can lead to very different conclusions all depending on the point of view of the researchers.

The Guardian writes:

'Scientists analysed brain scans of more than 1400 men and women and found that while some features are more common in one sex than the other, each person’s brain has a unique “mosaic” of these features, as well as others seen commonly in both.

“What we show is that there are multiple ways to be male and female, there is not one way, and most of these ways are completely overlapping,” said Daphna Joel, a psychology professor who led the study at Tel-Aviv University.'

Scientists inclined towards gender stereotypes will focus on the macro level

This is nothing new. Even the neuroscientists who believes strongly in the dichotomy between "male" and "female" brains know that there is a lot of variation between individual brains, both male and female, but they interpret patterns they see on an aggregated level as proof of there being unique "male" and "female" brains. 

These aggregated findings are then used to confirm the gender stereotypes of the -- let's say -- sexually driven aggressive man and the passive and nurturing woman.

Overlap is the norm, stereotypical brains the exception

What is interesting with this study is that the researchers focused on the areas where there is least overlap between men and women on an aggregated level.

The Guardian again:

'Across the four different sources of brain scans they studied, the scientists found the percentage of “internally consistent brains”, in which all regions were at the male end or all at the female end, varied from zero to 8%, while those with both male-end and female-end features ranged from 23% to 53%.'

So even if you look at those regions who are supposed to prove that men and women are different, you find that most men have "female" traits and most women have "male" traits. At this point, of course, you have to ask yourself whether it makes any sense at all to call these traits "male" and "female."

The Slider Model

This is actually where I can say "I told you so!" 

I presented a similar "mix" model of gender traits, abilities, sexualities and interests back in 2010, in the blog post "The cause of crossdreaming - an alternative model". I did so, not because I was way ahead of contemporary neuroscientists, but because this is a way of thinking that goes all the way back to the 19th century. 

This "new" way of looking at the brain biology of sex and gender is very similar to the one of -- for example -- Magnus Hirschfeld, the great pioneer of transgender research, as presented in his book on transgender people in 1910.

This research does not solve the nature/nurture riddle

Does all of this mean that there cannot be a biological component to transgender conditions, and that the social constructivists were right all along? This is all about nurture and not about nature?

No, this research cannot be used to prove either of these standpoints. Brains are flexible; they change with the way we use them. Whatever it is these scans measure, it can be inborn, the result of a brain adapting to social training and external stimuli or (most likely) a combination of  both.

There may still be parts of the brain that triggers people to orient themselves in the world as men, women or something else entirely. We simply do not know.

What the research does indicate, however, is that there are no fixed gender traits unique to each gender, and that having interests, abilities or desires normally allotted to "the opposite sex" is the norm, not the exception.

Daphna Joela explains why the idea of male and female brains are much more complex than many believe in this popular TEDx talk. Note that she actually dismisses the terminology of "male" versus "female"parts of the brain, even if she uses the terms to make her point. "It is meaningless to talk of the sex of the brain," she says.

Daphna Joela, Zohar Bermanb, Ido Tavorc, Nadav Wexlerd, Olga Gabera, Yaniv Steind, Nisan Shefia, Jared Poole, Sebastian Urchse, Daniel S. Marguliese, Franziskus Lieme, Jürgen Hänggif, Lutz Jänckef, and Yaniv Assaf: "Sex beyond the genitalia: The human brain mosaic." Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 2015.

Magnus Hirschfeld: Transvestites: The Erotic Drive To Cross Dress 1910/1991, Translated by M. A. Lombardi-Nash

See also:
On the statistical difference between men and women

Joan Roughgarden on social evolution

What brain science says about M2F transsexuals

The Crossdreamer Facebook Page Passes 3000 Followers

December 14, 2015, 11:59 am

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It could be that you don't know that we have our own facebook page for Crossdreamers.com.

This week the page passed 3000 followers, which isn't bad for a subject like this one.

I know that some of you hesitate before using your regular personal facebook-account to sign up to pages and groups like this one.

The good new is that you do not have to to read it. It is open to everyone.

Click here to get news and stories about crossdreaming, gender variance and transgender issues!

By the way: There is also a Crossdresser and Transgender page that has more than 7000 followers.

Illustration by Lucky Guy.

New Crossdreamer Ebook: A Creative Crossdreamer Vocabulary

December 15, 2015, 5:47 am

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New book explores the experience of gender variance through words and concepts.

My first ebook ever is now available for sale on Amazon.

A Creative Crossdreamer Vocabulary has its origin in a blog post series I wrote back in 2013. The idea was to find words that can help us feel, understand and express what crossdreaming and related forms of gender variance are about.

Words have power. They may limit us in our understanding, but they may also set us free from restrictive world views and invalidating narratives.

Good new concepts make us go: "Yes, that's it! That's how I feel. That's me. Now I get it." And we can then use those words to help others, who do not share our experience, understand. In other words: This book will also be useful for friends, family, teachers, researchers and others who relate to gender variant people.

Some of the words included in this book are already in use. Others are imaginary words, more meant for reflection than to be used in everyday speech.

Think of this book as a collection of mini-essays on crossdreaming and transgender.

You do not have to read them all in one setting. In fact, you do not have to read them in any particular order. But do read them!

You can buy the ebook now for US$ 2.50 over at Amazon.com. (In some countries VAT might be added).

You don't need a Kindle tablet to read it. You can read it in a browser, or use the Kindle app for smart phones and tablets.

The paperback version is a bit more expensive I am afraid, as this is print on demand.

EBOOK

PAPERBACK

Or by the ebook from Amazon Australia | Canada | Brazil | Japan | Netherlands | Italy | Spain | France | Germany | United Kingdom


The words included are:

Affirmation 

Ambiviolence

Butch

The Cistem 

Cultural Dissonance

Double Bind

Creative Crossdreaming

Crossbonding

Crossdreamer

Crossdressing 

Crossenacting

Crossgrief

Crossmopolitan

Crosswaves

Dark Crossdreamers

Dysphoric 

Erotic Dissonance

Euphoria

Flash Flood

Forced feminization 

Gender Queer 

Genderstretch

Girlfags and Guydykes 

Gynephilic and Androphilic 

Hormony

Hypercorrection 

Ideofluster

Inner Closet 

Inner Gender 

Inner Woman/Inner Man 

Madfear

Male Lesbian 

Masculinity and Femininity

Misaffirmation

M/M 

Negation 

Normailien

Packing 

Pegging

Play  

Ponyo

Purges 

Rage Against the Machine

Real Life Fantasies

Separatist 

Soaring

Sissyfication 

Spark

Splitter

Spotlit

Straight Gay

Surge

Top and Bottom 

Transfan 

Transgender 

Transgifted 

Transsexual 

Tucking and Chest Binding

Twilighter

Whiplash

Woodworking 

Quackaphilia

The Feminization Project - Fetish or Being True?

January 5, 2016, 4:36 am

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≪ Previous: New Crossdreamer Ebook: A Creative Crossdreamer Vocabulary

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My good friend Cheryl has put up a post over at Crossdream Life that should be of interest to many of the readers of this blog.  Cheryl reflects on her own life as a male to female crossdreamer, and on her struggle to find some balance in her life without transitioning. 

What I like so much about this post is that she speaks plainly about many sides of what it means to be both crossdreamer and transgender, in a world which rarely welcomes such longings and fantasies.

She touches upon crossdressing, crossdreaming, gender identity and the use of hormones.

Here are a few paragraphs on the effects of using estrogen:

"During the time I was on hormones I really did become very consumed by appearing as Cheryl. I was a kid in a chocolate factory. I was determined to experience the gender crossover in as much honest detail as I possibly could. This caused a shift in what was at the centre of my arrousal mechanism. I no longer felt that cross gender presentaton or the thought of it carried an associated sexual component any more. I was more sexually interested in the more mundane or normal. 

"On trying to express the sexual side of crossdreaming I could not get to the top of the mountain any more and no longer understood the original attraction to those thoughts. Yet I still pursued the cross over of gender presentation, and was on the conveyor belt of transition in 5th gear. I was happy mentally and perhaps realised that this was as good as it gets. I encouraged myself to come off hormones which was rather difficult as they make you feel good. I realised fully that this was no fetish driving me but a forced deep within myself wanting to continue."

Cheryl's conclusion is that this is much more than a fetish, but that being transgender does not automatically mean that you can or should transition. If you cannot, then what do you do?

Cheryl presents her approach to this problem.

You can read the whole post over at Crossdream Life.

Felix Conrad Unmasks the Autogynephilia Theory in New Book on Transgender

January 10, 2016, 6:39 am

≫ Next: The Life of a Crossdresser

≪ Previous: The Feminization Project - Fetish or Being True?

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Felix Conrad has written a new book on crossdreaming and being male to female transgender. It is definitely worth the read!

Felix Conrad argues that we will have to leave the autogynephilia and fetish theories behind. Photo: Ron Chapple Stock

Three years ago Felix Conrad launched his Transcend Movement site with a discussion of crossdreaming.

Since then there has been a wide variety of interesting blog posts, controversial video podcasts, and a book on how to survive as a male to female transgender/crossdreamer when not transitioning. He has even interviewed me.

And he has done all of this with a sense of style and flair previously unheard of in this corner of the web.

Serious humor

He is the master of what I call -- for lack of a better word-- a Catalan-British sense of humor. His use of irony has caused some bewilderment in crossdreamer and transgender circles, but no more than is needed in this field of gender confusion.

As soon as you move beyond the provocative headlines and  imagery, you find  deep, serious, thought-provoking analysis of the various myths and misconceptions found in the world of crossdreaming, crossdressing and gender variance.

He calls himself a philosopher, and has every right to do so.

(I am using male pronouns here, as he is presenting as male publicly, and is using them himself.)

Transgender: Fact or Fetish

A couple of weeks ago he published a new ebook called Transgender: Fact or Fetish - Reality or Delusion? 

While his previous book was more of a practical guide for living as a male to female non-transitioning "late onset" transgender person, this one is a bit more philosophical.

Felix, being a male to female transgender person himself, is cleaning out his closet, so to speak, realizing that he has to understand the main theories of what makes crossdreamers crossdream, before finding his own answer to the ultimate question: Who am I?

This could have become a very dry and theoretical book. It is the exact opposite. Conrad writes in a way that will make perfect sense to people who do not have a Ph.D. in philosophy.

Felix Conrad's book on transgender.

He is using everyday language in a way that helps us see through the convoluted jargon of -- for instance -- Ray Blanchard, the sexologist who has most strongly tried to define male to female (MTF) crossdreamers, crossdressers and transgender women as "paraphiliacs" or sexual perverts.

Indeed, this book can be considered Felix'  final farewell to the autogynephilia and fetish explanations of what causes transgender feelings and identities. He has tested them and found them seriously lacking.

Debunking the Autogynephilia theory

Ray Blanchard does, as many of my readers will know, divide trans women (and non-transitioning male to female gender variant people) into two distinct categories:

(1) "Homosexual transsexuals" (i.e. MTF trans people who are attracted to men), who -- according to Blanchard -- are hypefeminine gay men.


(2) "Autogynephiliacs" (i.e. MTF trans people who are attracted to women or are bisexual), who are considered sexually perverted straight men. These -- and these only, according to Blanchard -- get aroused by the idea of being a woman.

This means that all trans women are men in Blanchard's book, and he rarely miss an opportunity to say so.

The emperor has no clothes! From The Happy Reading App.

Felix is like the child in H.C. Andersen's tale "The Emperor's New Clothes." He is the little kid that  breaks the spell by pointing out the obvious: Ray Blanchard "has no clothes".

Philosophically and scientifically speaking the theory is just a mirage based on old-fashioned prejudice.

The trans women who do not crossdream are proof

Felix does this by turning quite a few commonly held beliefs in the crossdreamer and transgender communities on their heads.

To give one example:

In Blanchard's world the existence of transgender women who do not experience cross-gender arousal prove that there are two distinct and unrelated types.

Blanchard is not the only one saying this. For some hundred years or so sexologists have distinguished between "classic transsexuals" (who love men and never crossdream) and "transvestic fetishists" (perverted heterosexual men who get a kick out of wearing lace and frills).

To Felix, however, the very existence of trans women who do not fetishize their transgender longings, and who have never experienced cross-arousal of the crossdreamer kind, is overwhelming evidence of there being only one type of trans women:

"...imagine we have a line of a thousand people who are transgender, and you tell me that their condition is caused by a fetish. I then find out that half of the people of this condition caused by a fetish don't fucking have the fetish."

The smoking egg-nogg

Detective Felix Conrad to the rescue!

This is the smoking gun in Felix' detective story. And he actually presents this as a detective story, where the detectives Conrad and Blanchard are out to identify the cause of an outbreak of serious food poisoning:

"[Detective Blanchard] -- impetuous and keen to make a name for himself -- rushes to the scene, finds out twenty people ate chicken and insists that it was the chicken which caused the outbreak.

Conrad -- the handsome, more intelligent one -- discovers there's a whole bunch of people who ate veggie burgers instead of chicken, but still got food poisoning. Obviously, it's impossible the food poisoning was chicken, and so he switches the investigation to the egg-nogg as it was made with raw eggs."

Detective Blanchard does not admit defeat in Felix Conrad's episode of CSI, however. Instead he argues that some got food poisoning from the chicken and the others got "non-chicken" food poisoning from the veggie burger, ignoring the poisoned egg-nog.

When you put the story this way, it become why Felix finds Blanchard's theory forced and contrived.

What MTF trans have in common

In the transgender case Felix insists on focusing on the many factors the two groups have in common.

Felix lists them up:

"Both of these supposedly different types of transgender person present at their physicians with exactly the same 'desire to live as a member of the opposite sex', suffering from the same degree of dysphoria, with the same 'sense of discomfort with their anatomic sex,' and the same desire to have surgery and/or hormones. Why in the name of God would we start trying to say that they were different types of transsexual?"

Conrad's logic leads to there being an underpinning, common, cause for the dysphoria of all trans women, and that one cannot be "the chicken" (effeminate homosexuality in men) or "the veggie burger" (a fetish-like "erotic target location error"). It has to be something else, and that makes it so much harder to reduce the identity of trans women to some kind of male sexual aberration.

Indeed, as Felix points out, if the transgender impulse came from a paraphilia, a trans woman "would lose interest the second she castrated herself -- chemically or literally." But she does not lose interest.

Truegender

Does a crossdresser dressing up feel sexy as a man or as a woman? Photo: Discovod

For Felix, this analysis has clearly helped him come closer to a view of himself that makes sense to him.

I am not going to present the arguments here, but he believes his gender variance is caused by biological factors. He has a core gender, a "truegender", that causes him to dream about being a woman.

As I have noted elsewhere, I have also come to the conclusion that "the egg-nogg" at least has some important biological components, even if I tend to stress the covariance between biological, psychological and cultural factors more clearly than Felix does in this book. But then again, this is a book written to cut through the crap of sexist sexology, so I do get Felix' need to simplify.

In the same process he also undermines the arguments made by those who think that transgender identities and/or crossdreaming are caused by some kind of fetish. The autogynephilia theory and the transvestic fetish approach have so much in common that arguments debunking the first effectively debunk the other.

The trans boogieman

Then why do we spend so much time discussing these theories? Why don't we move on, and leave all the shame and stigma behind?

Felix describes Blanchard as "a canvas on which gender variant people project emotions about the desperate need to affirm their inner woman or the desperate need to bump her off." We are driven by shame, stupidity and anger.

Shame, because so many consider feminization fantasies embarrassing, and because they have been used to invalidate "any non-sexual cross gender desire".

Stupidity, because we are, as Felix points out, "not designed to assimilate complex explanations, and in our quest to understand something we will always go for sequential causes, child-like logic and the blaring obvious."

The following logic is irresistible to someone in desperate need for an explanation:

1. I had a sexual desire to be a woman.
2. Now I desire to be a woman all the time.
3. That desire must come from my sexual desire.

"What would you say to Ray Blanchard if you saw him in a bar?" (Question for further consideration in Felix Conrad's book. (Photo: University of Toronto)

Anyone who really knows something about the complexity and systemic nature of nature, mind or society, will know that this is too simplistic, but as human beings we feel angst when we do not know who we are. It is easy to believe that it is better to have a simplistic explanation than none at all.

And yes, Blanchard's theory makes us angry: 

"Casting a theory based around the Neanderthal logic outlines above (they are women in their fantasies... that's why they want to be women) is outrageous. If it was a theory about the lesser spotted chaffinch or why people like trainspotting then that would be fine, but a speculative theory on an entire sector of society is irresponsible, unless you describe it for what it is: speculation."

The failure of sexology

Felix argues that from transvestic fetishism to autogynephilia, sexologists have consistently failed to understand transgender sexuality and have "thrown it in the paraphilia pot with all the other behaviours it doesn't understand."

I am actually not so sure this is only about failing to understand. I think this strand of sexology is driven by people who have inherited and absorbed the sexist stereotypes and who now look for ways of disciplining men who violate the gender clichés.

A real radical feminist would call them "tools of the patriarchy". Felix puts it this way:

"Blanchard represents that Victorian strain in twentieth century thinking with respect to sex and the moralising terminology that underpins it: fetish and paraphilia."

Autogynephilia is definitely a pseudo-science, but I will not go as far as Felix and dismiss all of sexology.

There have been several trans-positive sexologists, including giants like Magnus Hirschfeld and Alfred Kinsey, and the idea of combining the knowledge of several disciplines in order to understand sex, sexuality and gender makes sense to me. Besides, much of the violence of conversion therapy was not carried out by sexologists, but by regular Freudian psychiatrists and psychologists.

Unfortunately sexology as a discipline has attracted a large number of bigots obsessed with sex, and it has clearly not had the number of ethical champions needed stop their persecution of LGBT-people. The fact that autogynephilia remains in the DSM psychiatric manual, attests to this.

Nature more than nurture

Felix also spends much time discussing the most likely causes of crossdreaming and transgender conditions as well as the interaction between biological and psychological factors. He argues well for why he believes the main driving force behind both crossdreaming and transgender identities is biological.

This is clearly the only explanation that makes sense to him, given the extreme forces involved in gender dysphoria:

"Once the walls of repression collapse and your truegender emerges, a force has been unleashed which will, if not expressed and assimilated correctly, kill you. Maybe it'll be metaphorical -- you'll die inside -- and maybe you'll end up as another trans suicide, but whatever happens, havoc of one sort or another will be wreaked."

But Felix' truegender is not based on a simplistic "female brain in a man's body" model:

"Although you have a female gender core, it's soaked in male hormones and male socialisation. That's why it takes some people so long before they actually listen to their gender core: it has to compete with a shedload of male neurology, plumbing and brain-washing. The result is it may take years before truegender dominates."

If I understand Felix correctly, the core gender is not the sum total of gender stereotypes, but rather an underlying urge to see and express yourself as a woman, whatever that may be in your cultural and personal context.

He also discusses the role of fetishes in both cisgender and transgender people, and presents his own explanation for why crossdreaming is most likely found among MTF transgender people  attracted to women.

Felix is clearly open to the idea that crossdreaming may vary in intensity and that some male to female crossdreamers are not gender dysphoric and will not identify as women. But the focus of this book is on those who experience a strong dissonance between their assigned gender and gender core.

All crossdreamers and people interested in transgender lives will benefit from reading it, however.

Felix Conrad: Transgender: Fact or Fetish - Reality or Delusion?

See also my interview with Felix: "Felix Conrad Talks about Transgender Research, Crossdreaming and Beach Clubbing"

The Transcend Movement site

The Life of a Crossdresser

January 17, 2016, 5:25 am

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Many crossdreamers use -- or have used -- crossdressing to express their "other side". Here is one such story, shared by a fellow Scandinavian.

Great many crossdreamers express their transgender side through crossdresssing. Illustration photo by Discovod.

Guest post by "Dr. Gonzo's Better Half,"

Dear Jack,

I am a writer and a traveller, in my 40’s. One marriage that never happened. 10 years of travels, working for companies around Europe. I consider myself to be a philosopher.

And a cross dresser.

A long time one too. And a puzzled one.

I hope I can shed some light on things, as I am in search for some answers myself. Hence, the "confession". Writing a blog post for Crossdreamers is like reminiscencing with a complete stranger you have never seen.

What am I?

It will be easier to start here than to tell my mates, or my parents:  “You know, I have searched my urges on the internet, and what I found is that I am an autogenophiliac. Which means I express my perversion by imitating the most feminine women by imaging myself, or getting dressed in their most feminine attire.”

In other words, I am a narcissist in denial who expresses his perversion through cross dressing. Or should I say I am a cross dresser with no gender variety, or is it something more?

Note that much of this story are fragments that might shed some light on this.

Arousal

For a long time, I thought that my little “fetish” differed from other cross dressers is that it aroused me. Did when I was a kid; still does today. And I believed that this pathologized me in some ways. Unfortunately, the first place I looked was Wikipedia and was introduced to the “perv” model to describe what I and apparently others in here have in common.

I never dreamt, or got aroused, by the thought of having a woman’s body before. It was their clothing. Their essence.

I have read Felix Conrad’s entire blog, and almost all of yours as well. And all of a sudden, I am not your “ordinary” cross dresser anymore. And the notion that it’s some sort of mental disease, or perversion, repulses me.

When it started, it’s hard to tell. For all I know, I may have had these “tendencies” for as long as I have lived. Your writing has forced my to dig deep inside. In fact, I have been trying to learn about this for the last week.


A story of a cross dressed life

I never considered myself gay, nor feminine. I was however ecstatic when my mother dressed me up in some frilles when I was about 1 year old. Of course, I cannot remember this. Or perhaps, deep down in my conscience I do.

Not to act like a patient, nor an analyst, but there is something I would phrase as “trigger points”.

The five year old in a skirt

Example of one such trigger point:

I was about 5 and was getting ready to go to a party with my mother and the man we were living with at the time. For some strange reason, I wanted to get my suit trousers off, and get myself into a blanket as if it was a skirt.

Funny how a long lost memory has popped up like this. Me coming to this website for answers may have been another.

On the outside, I was like every other little boy. Although, I always had this notion that I could never measure up with the rest of them or the best of them. There was also something else inside that may have been lurking there.

The outsiders

When school started, I really found out what living in a harsh world meant. Bullying, yes. I fit in by beating up, or at least give any tormentor something to remember me by. Often angry.

Feeling outside of the norm.

I would love it in the beginning of a school year when the girls came with their finest dresses first day after summer vacation. I would often pull my towel around my waist and a frothy bathrobe with a belt and pretend these were something else.

Other than that, my best friend and I would do what every other kid would do. At least regarding the gender normative. I played football. Climbed in trees. Fought.

And then we discovered cross-dressing. I don’t know who suggested it (it may have been me), but around the age of 12 we raided his mother’s wardrobe. I would start doing the same in secret at home.

Nobody knew.

Then my family moved away. For a year or so, there was no cross-dressing, only cross dreaming.

The ballerinas

In 6th grade, I experienced something disturbing. We were producing a Christmas show, and four of the boys were volunteering to play ballerinas.

One mate of mine had on a dress with pettis and the works. Yes! I was secretly envious of him. Did I show it?

Not a single word.

It came back with vengeance the year I turned 14. When I was bored, or wasn’t out playing football, I would spend time at home in the summer, exploring my mother’s wardrobe. I found my favourites, and was in heaven when I wore them.

7th-9th grade was a terrible time. Not so much bullying, but the feeling of not belonging anywhere. And this was still a time of homophobia. And I was, of course, a part of that majority. Coming out as someone who gets off wearing the most feminine dresses from his mother’s closet would be socially suicide in any case.

Puberty kicks in

Puberty didn’t really start to kick in until I was 16. It bothered me. I would be jealous of the other mates in the locker room whom had started to grow, and also get muscles. I had mixed emotions of growing body hair. That meant I had to shave when getting dressed. And that could give me away.

One winter vacation when my parents were out of town for a week, I would spend every day dressed up in different dresses and suits. I would rush through my paper route, and get home and get dressed up again.

Crossdressers may be triggered by TV series that depict the expression of femininity in one way or the other. Cast photo from North and South from the 1980s.

When the TV series North and South went on TV, I would be obsessed about the ball gowns. One might say that my crinoline fetish started right there, although I had always been fascinated by them. I could fantasize about them constantly. How it would be like being in their situation? Or at least being dressed in their gowns. Same thing with Gone with the Wind.

When I had turned 15, my mother did something that devastated me. She threw away some of her old wardrobe. In secret, I would go down to the garbage room and retrieve “my” favourite dresses. And by all sense of the word, hence forth, those dresses were mine.

Not long after, I did my first purge. I didn’t dare having them in my own closet.

Off course, being aroused was one thing, but ejaculation was never in question until the age of 16.

On the outside, I played ball with the rest. But there were times my secret was hard to keep.

The urge

One Saturday night I got the urge. Although my parents were home, I still snuck into their bedroom, and had to try on something. I looked myself in the mirror, and rushed to change. That’s when I heard footsteps on the outside, and opening the door. I hid behind the door, and the piece of cloth under my shirt.

It was my dad. I was wondering what I was doing in their room, and what I had underneath my shirt. I said “nothing”, and “just a piece of clothing”.

I was practically caught once at the age of 15 by one of the neighbours during winter time. I had snuck down to the garage to throw something away in the bin room. She saw me, and in panic, I hid in that shack with her trying to open the door on the other side. She called the police, and they yanked the door open with ease.

I just wanted her to go away after telling them what was going on, before even leaving the bin room. In deep shame I looked down on myself while walking up the stairs to get undressed in self disgust. I did deny for myself that I was in fact a cross dresser. The term “transvestite” grossed me out when I heard the term the first time. And was hoping that it was a term that did not apply to me.

When I went to bed, my mother came for “the talk”. My mouth was sealed. This was a secret I wouldn’t even give up under pressure of water boarding

But where-ever I would go, I would have my cross dreaming with me.

The traveller

Like said, I was always a traveller. My year in the US as an exchange student was a painful, but learned from it. I found the darker side of the “conservative” American mindset. The highlights were going on trips with other exchange students and let off some steam from the pain of having to deal with rednecks every day.

My cross dreaming travelled with me. It was always there. Some times as a relief from the pressure, followed by a feeling of remorse. Like a hangover. “I’m never gonna drink again”. And then you get hammered the next weekend having forgotten about the Sunday morning pledge.

Coming home to Scandinavia was strange. I was starting a new school, and had to start all over. I felt strange. I had seen something that no other around me had seen or lived through.

And for a time, I was also back in business raiding my mothers wardrobe.

How many trigger points do we have now?

On the outside, I had started playing handball, going back to football, martial arts, and lifting weights. And off course, dating, and drinking during the weekends. I got myself a job in a store.

In the army

Ready for Pavlov’s failed experiment: “Army Duty”. For a while, my urges were under the lid. I had a full life outside cross dressing.

Until one school party in the 1990’s. A cross dresser party. We were in 12th grade, and were about to challenge gender stereotypes. I had two of the girls making me up, and dressing me.

Any arousal? Funny, no! Any “AGP” [autogynephilia] symptoms? Not at all. In this context, we were a bunch of guys and girls dressing up in each others garments, and having a laugh about it.

Through his autogynephilia (AGP) theory, Ray Blanchard has contributed to the sexualization AND stigmatization of trans people.This  drawing by Jayna Pavlin refers to his role in the inclusion  of autogynephilia in the American psychiatric manual. More about AGP here.

Besides, there was no trigger for me right there and then.

It did get me into my old fantasy games, however.

The writer

At the university, I would rather spend time writing poetry about the BS I saw, and flirt with the girls. I was a full fledged bohemian at the time. Sick and tired of the state of things, but too busy drinking, and chasing the girls I never had a chance to connect with as a teenager.

My cross dressing periods only came sporadically. And always when I was alone.

That’s when depressions started to kick in. CDing [cross dressing] was only a source of shame and guilt. But like a drug addict, I couldn’t stop.

In the late nineties, I started ordering clothes. And buying women’s clothing for Xmas under the pretence of them being presents. When I had money to spend, I invested unabashedly in my wardrobe and without regret (unless I bought something that did not fit). That’s when I started wishing my feet were smaller, so I could easier fit normal shoes with high heels. They were presents for the repressed part of me.

Was there an erotic aspect to it?

Given the fact that getting dressed, made up, accessorised can be a highly erotic act in itself (as preparing for a date or an event), but this arousal doesn’t last. But the feeling of euphoria lasts. Getting comfortable in the uncomfortable as it were. Corsets. Stockings. High heels! Full skirted dresses. Skirt suits. Pleated skirts. Anything that is feminine!

That’s when I had my first breakdown, as it were. After that week, I went out, got really drunk on a ferry to a country next door, and landed in the drunk tank.

After that, life was pitch black. I locked everybody out, and didn’t work for months.

Going south

That year, I went to Southern Europe to visit my father, and get some distance from things. But that also meant another purge. A heartbreaking purge. All because I didn’t want my parents to find out and start asking awkward questions.

I met the first transsexuals down there. They were not blatant about their gender identity, nor their androphile sexuality [being attracted to men].

During carnival season, my father suggested I dress up, and in something feminine. Off course I declined. I would much rather be on the outside, observing.

From a drag queen competition in Las Palmas. Photo by Borja Suarez/Reuters

It seemed to me that half of of the town were cross dressers. I have never seen so many men in dresses at one place in one time. I still felt I couldn’t connect with anyone there. Not even my bisexual father. Even though he did ask me if I had sexual issues.

Sexual issues

As in: I can’t get an orgasm unless I fantasize about myself walking down the stairs dressed like Cinderella when having sex with my girlfriends?

Off course I didn’t say anything. Except that I missed having a girlfriend at the time.

I was all of a sudden not “getting any” after some years of full bohemian life.

Instead I buried my head in a novel I started writing before leaving. Drinking every day. Forgetting about my “AGP”.

Again it worked well for a while.

Lovers and break-ups

Until another trigger point came in 1999. I was having my compulsory once-in-a-lifetime back packing tour around Europe. Stopping in Amsterdam.

By that time, I had gone from being an ardent anti-“drugs” disciple to slowly opening my eyes to the value of a joint over booze. Another process that has taken 20 years since my first joint after the army service.

I also found a flee market at Rembrandtplein. And went nuts. And I was right back in my hoarding mode.

I found more clothes in Germany. And came home with a full new bag with women’s clothes, even makeup.

The trip home from Germany was almost unbearable. I couldn’t wait to transform properly for the first time in more than two years.

I kicked out my mate who had borrowed my place during that time, and even if I was deadly tired, it didn’t stop me from going through the transformation ritual.

The dressing lasted until I got some new roomies, and decided to move out. I needed a change of scenery. And moved into a collective where dressing would be almost impossible outside the confines of a small room.

Then I spent some more years abroad.

I had two romances, in which one almost ended in marriage, but ended with me doing another purge at my ex-fiancées bidding. She found my (...) wardrobe when I was back in my own country to sort things out. I was devastated. Having to choose between her and a part of me that my mother finally came to say would always be a part of me no matter how much I resisted.

I chose my girlfriend, who then broke up with me only months after.

Doubly devastated. I guess she was using another excuse to break up with my CDing.

Then I found out that my mother had known all along! She just never said anything!

I have read and heard horror stories about parents giving their kids a lashing for sneaking in their room like a thieves acting out their “perversions”.

The thing is that she was the one spilling the beans behind my back to my girlfriend. And I might have lied to her about my CDing just due to fear. How can or could she expect me to tell the whole secret when that was the secret I wanted to keep hidden for as long as I lived?

However: When I told my friends, my trusted brothers in arms, about this predicament, none of them were bothered by my little hobby.

That was the time I started thinking about suicide. I was in the darkest place since the army. (Those are days I have blocked from my mind completely). I had been taken anti-depressants, but found cannabis as a much better medicine. But something told me to take a break from it (still some doubt, and a voice from Anslinger that weed causes reefer madness).

So I went deep diving in the bottle instead. There were memory lapses. I stayed more than a year getting over the worst before I figured out that another job in another country would solve things. In a way it did. My writing and fighting spirit came back.

TG fiction and hypnosis

My CDing was barely there. For years I coped. Travelling from place to place from job to job, sometimes going hobo to have something to write about, sometimes I would live like a king. I was out, gathering more GEMs for my “great literary career”.

But with all that spare time, and with some money, and the internet. The internet can be a dangerous thing for a frail mind under pressure.

Soon I found myself engulfed in feminization hypnosis videos. My CDing came back with a vengeance -- once again.

There are companies that sell feminization hypnosis CDs and videos that are to make both crossdreamers and trans women feel more feminine.

I found a range of TG fiction, captions, and much more. I never bothered to ask why at the time. I ordered my first dresses online. Off course a bit big. I had lost weight the last years.

During that fall, I would dress as often as I could.

And an embarrassing moment when my landlord walked in on me (I thought I had the house to myself until he came to check on some things), and saw me all dressed up in the living room. To my surprise, he apologized and said that he didn’t mean to embarrass me.

Finally, I came home to my country in the north of Europe broke, unemployed and injured instead of going to (...)  as planned.

Once again, my cross dressing came back. Money started to pour in. As some karmic justice, I won respectable sums betting. I was about to replace my entire purged wardrobe. Just as I dreamt about two years earlier. But it wasn’t enough. I needed a wider outlet. I needed to experience my “inner woman” in a public space. So this year, I managed to go a week to England….

Marion comes out

And Marion was born.

My ex-fiancé once asked me, in a sarcastic voice, if I had any name yet. I honestly didn’t. I never got any further than my image in me as a beautiful woman in beautiful gowns and dresses.

I got an appointment with a CD shop with a lovely lady who offered me accommodation for the 3 nights before going to this weekend event. For the first time in my life, I would meet other cross dressers. I needed to find out where I was in this vast spectrum. And no surprise, her son was also a cross dresser.

Was I just another cross dresser, or something more?

Everything was new. I was about to realize in real life that I wasn’t alone. That all the stories are real.

I was interacting with other people while being dressed and made up. Actually making a whole new base with new people whom are living this every day.

Being addressed with female pronoun. Being treated like a lady. Going to the women’s toilet. Everything was a new sensation. Taking the train to the coastal town where the event was. A nerve wrecking ride, but still exhilarating. I would look myself in the mirror, and I would clearly pass if someone were more than two feet away from me.

Marion was born. For a week I was Marion. And was upset when they had put my male name on the guest list.

As far as pure “AGPism” goes, there wasn’t a trace of that. I was living my fantasy. At least parts of it. Now, I could concentrate on learning to interact with people as my female self.

The event had the entire range it seems like.

I spent four days with some of the most fascinating people from the entire transgender scale.

From heterosexual cross dressers, to gays, to veterans, scholars, married, pre-op, and post-op.

What frightened me a bit, is that when we had a pageant they convinced me to partake in because they all thought I was going to win. I luckily didn’t. I’m afraid that my male psyche would take another dive on that one.

Shopping

Many crossdressers find shopping for their male persona boring. Shopping for the other side, however, becomes a pleasure. Photo: MoustacheGirl.

I learned something. I love shopping. When going into town for the first time to shop, I was nervous. But I wasn’t alone. Besides, I was -- apart from my voice -- passing (according to witnesses).

The high was of another dimension. Here, I could walk into a shop straight to the women’s department all dressed up and gorge myself without anyone lifting an eye.

Normally, my planned sessions seldom last more than a week.

So the last night before going for one night in London, my male part slowly came back. Concerned. A part of me wanted to travel to London fully dressed. Another partof me not so. I would be afraid that changing back would be harder, even tough necessary. I didn’t have a chat with myself that night.

And a musician, a post-op told me: “Don’t worry about it. We’ve all been through it!” She was dressed more masculine than me that weekend if I can use that angle.

When I took the train back to London with all the delays, Marion was still with me. I envisioned myself in my feminine clothing travelling instead of my male clothes.

Marion was here to stay. The male part of me hates shopping. He has one pair of shoes he uses regularly and walks around in jeans.

Marion loves shopping. She loves fashion. Looking fabulous. She has more clothes than “I” will own in my entire life. And I got them all within the two years I’ve been home.

I thought that I was going to cope with things. I have not been dressing since I left Britain.

The CDing however comes and goes. The feelings have been strong this week since I started reading about this and using your blog as reference point.

How much do I have in common with them? With you? With other cross dressers?

These days, I plan my “guilt-free” dressing sessions. And I take the time I need. I already plan my next trip where I can explore my inner woman further incognito while doing my favourite pastime – travelling. Britain has become the playground for the Marion in me.

Autogynephilia

Out of intellectual curiosity I wanted to find out what this “AGP” was, and what causes, and if there’s a cure as if I would ever want one. Hence, I came to this blog. What am I?

Apparently not just the normal cross dresser.

I have started fantasizing about real breasts. At least breast forms so natural they blend with your skin when attached and have special neurotransmitter that would make the touch of them as if you were touching your own skin.

Can this be progressive?

Does this all make sense?

Where do I belong on the HBS scale?

In the 1960s Harry Benjamin developed a scale of different variants of transgender. See the post on Harry Benjamin for more. Click in image to enlarge.

I’m hearing about Christine Jorgenson and Lily Elbe. And certain things strikes a cord. Which ones?

And just like you, I refuse the term “autogenophiliac” as if this is some form of pervesion. If that was the case, according to Mr. Blanchard [the man behind the autogynephilia theory], all “AGPs” must have a constant erection for the duration of the dressing session, no matter how long it takes, and no arousal must occur during that session. Which is futile and ridiculous.

Blanchard seem to forget that all you need to get sexually aroused is a dick. Or a vagina. He also seem to forget that the largest erogenous zone is the brain. Someone who is into the science of sex should know this.

The variation of fantasies that might turn up in that giant zit between the ears is endless. But the notion that being aroused by getting dressed is some sort of pathology while others are not is beyond ridiculous.

I have found the Harry Benjamin scale as a useful tool. At least I have had to come to the conclusion that I am a cross dreamer with a strong female presence inside of me. But how strong?

I feel like standing at a crossroads in life. As if there are 8 books inside that same head fighting to get out at the same time. It’s as if I have 8 tabs that takes huge amounts of resources from my computer's processor and having the CD “condition” on top of it all.

This text has been shared with permission of the writer. The text has been edited to protect his identity.

For more crossdreamer life stories, visit the Crossdream Life forum.

What Drives Transphobia?

January 24, 2016, 3:50 am

≫ Next: Transphobia and femme shaming - two sides of the same coin

≪ Previous: The Life of a Crossdresser

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I got the following question from a blogger over at tumblr who is working on a research paper:

"Who do you see is more susceptible to being transphobic? Like...types of people?" 

Not all transphobes are conservative. The radical feminist icon Germaine Greer is one of the most extreme haters today. (Getty  Images)

Here is what I answered:

I would say that insecurity, anxiety and fear are the main drivers for transphobia, in the same way they are for homophobia, racism and sexist attitudes.

Life is not without its risks, and it takes a strong mind to handle all the uncertainty life throws at us.

If you have been raised in a dysfunctional family, or you are taught to fear “the others”, or you live in troubled times, it is easy to fall back on the more primitive sides of our minds.

Scapegoats

We look for someone to blame; we look for a place to vent our fear, and we do so by turning our fear into anger. We then channel that anger towards those that are different, the ones we do not understand.

This may give  us a much wanted emotional release, and for a moment it looks like we have a solution to our problem. For instance: "If we can only get rid of those pesky LGBT people, everything will go back to the way it once was, back in the good old days”.

Another group of people are using the same language and playing on fear without feeling it themselves. These are people who understand such social and psychological processes intimately, and who make use of them to gain power and influence. Many of them are borderline sociopaths or full-fledged psychopaths. Adolf Hitler comes to mind.


There are quite a few of them around right now, both in Europe, in the US and the Middle East. Such bullies thrive in times of upheaval, when people live in fear of their future, and of the future of their children. 

Religion

Charles Schultz captured the dogmatism of some types of theology in  Peanuts.

Some would argue that transphobia is caused by religion, pointing to the fact that some of the most vehement anti-trans activists are religious fundamentalists.

I would say that it is not religion per se that is the problem. The history of  Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and many other religions are full of activists who preach love and compassion for your neighbor and humility in face of complexity.

However, there is one type of religious community that attract the kind of people who fear uncertainty, and that is what we could call law based traditions.

Such people read religious texts as if they were laws written by God or their founder, eternal and unchangeable. I guess this illusion of predictability and certainty makes them sleep better at night.

By making their religious life legalistic, they turn scripture into a weapon that can be turned against those who are different.

Conservatism

Many conservative religious people see the very existence of transgender people as a threat to their fragile world order, as trans people seem to violate both the god given natural order and the customs of their culture. They then cherry pick parts of their texts and use that to strengthen loyalty within their own communities, and to destroy those that are different from themselves.

Indeed, transphobia is more often found among “conservative” people than among “liberals”. I guess fearful people, and personality types who thrive when the world is more predictable and ordered, are drawn to more conservative philosophies, organizations and societies.

This is not a right wing/left wing issue, however, even if it may seem that way right now. Some of the most aggressive transphobes in politics, science, and health services have thought of themselves as progressive. I have known quite a few conservative and transphobic socialists in my time. The TERFs (the trans-exclusionary radical feminists) believe they are  revolutionary radicals. They are, in fact, traditionalists.

(On the other hand: Conservatives may be pro-trans. In Norway a Conservative gay minister has suggested that trans people are to decide on their legal gender, no medical intervention needed. The Conservative government in the UK is doing the same.)

Dehumanizing science

Bigotry of this kind requires that you dehumanize your opponent.  He or she is seen as uncivilized, a beast, or an all of the devil. They are not like you and your tribe. They are “deviants”.

Christian transphobic propaganda from Canada. This kind of propaganda is based on the misconception that being trans is something you choose to be. It is also an attempt to erase transgender lives.

Since the 19^th century science has become an efficient weapon to be used against people of color, independent women, gay men and lesbians, as well as transgender people. Their identities have all been sexualized. Their demand for respect and freedom is understood as the result of a mental illness, most often of the sexual kind.

Psychiatric and psychological terms like nymphomania, hysteria, masochistic homosexuality, transvestic fetishism and autogynephilia are used to give transphobia a sheen of respectability and objectivity.

The health system can then be used to discipline and control those that challenge the status quo and force them back into the closet, out of sight.

Social repression

In other words: Transphobia also represents a kind of social repression.

I guess this repression is partly driven by people’s fear of being “deviants” themselves. After all, neither nature nor culture live up to the expectations of fearful conservatives. It is full of diversity and ambiguity, also as regards sexuality and gender.

This is why some of the most aggressive homophobes throughout history have been sexually attracted to people of their own sex, and why some trans people use the language of transphobic science and religion to invalidate other trans people.

They are willing to do anything they can to be accepted as part of “normal” society, and avoid being thrown out into the wilderness of “the perverted others”.

A cure

Activists and artists like Laverne Cox are giving trans people a human face. (Photo: Time Magazine)

But this is also where we find the cure for transphobia: You fight dehumanization with humanization. You make people see that transgender people are people, just like everybody else.

As human beings trans people should not be defined by being transgender, no more than a diabetic should be defined by his or her blood sugar levels.

The recent progress in the struggle for same-sex marriage is caused by the fact that gay and lesbian people have become more visible. Most people know someone who is homosexual and they can see for themselves that they are not monsters.

Hopefully the recent  transgender “tipping point” will make more people see that transgender people are people, just like them, not to be feared.

 SIDEBAR: How to Handle Transphobes

The blogger also asked: "What is the best way to teach others that alienating a transgender person is wrong? How should I, even as just one person...how can I make a difference?"

You can read my answer here!

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Transphobia and femme shaming - two sides of the same coin

February 14, 2016, 5:06 am

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≪ Previous: What Drives Transphobia?

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Much of transphboia is rooted in our culture's disdain for femininity and feminine expressions. This applies to all femmes: straight cis-women, lesbian women, gay men and trans people of all genders.

Femme shaming is yet another way our society keeps women  and gender variant people in check. Photo by Maffi Iren.

People who should know better, like radical feminists, play the “feminine is a sexist stereotype” card with great enthusiasm, while at the same time embracing masculine gender stereotypes with gusto.

Muscles and leather are apparently not sexist, high heels and cleavage are.

To me this reflects a deep rooted misogyny that permeates our whole culture.

Femininity is a sign of weakness (or something worse)

This becomes especially difficult for those male to female transgender people who feel feminine and who want to express that femininity.

They are immediately dismissed as sexist, not in the same way as feminine non-transgender women, mind you (as ”sluts”, “airheads” or “bimbos”, depending on to what extent they express their sexuality) but dismissed all the same (as ”effeminate gay men” and “heterosexual perverts”).

It does not matter that “we all know” that a feminine gender expression in a woman does not equal fragility, weakness or promiscuity. Even in the most gender conscious among us the social dismissal of the feminine often takes over, and we make the same mistake over and over again: Femininity equals female equals weak equals powerless and pathetic.


Sexism and radical feminism

This tendency has been strengthened by the curse of post-structuralist philosophy; the idea that gender is nothing but a performance, a social construct with no deep roots in the personality. Or, at least, this is how such philosophy is presented by the militants.

Presenting as feminine is therefore a moral choice and a bad one. Butch is good, femme is bad.

Safira Anouk, a a two spirit native American artist and radical femme. makes the following observation over at Harlot Media:

"Femme-shaming oppresses not only women, but any gender-variant person who doesn’t equate their personal empowerment to masculine presentation. This brutal way of thinking stratifies people into a kyriarchal caste system according to their biological sex, forcing them into corresponding boxes of gender norms; arbitrarily socializing people in ways that betray their authentic selves."

Yes, this radical feminist actually believes there is such a thing as an "authentic self", and that this personality core is not just a mirage of gender symbols and semiotics.

I am certain she is right. Much of the suffering trans and queer people experience is because they are not allowed to be themselves, express themselves and be affirmed as themselves. Saying that there is no "self" does not help at all.

Anouk strongly defends her right to be femme:

"My choice to wear long nails may be partly influenced by the way that I was socialized, and it may also coincide with misogynist expectations of women, however it is my choice which I made through thoughtful analysis of pros and cons. In this case I chose in favour of my own aesthetic preference, knowing full well that they can be impractical and invite unwanted attention from disapproving feminists and chauvinist trolls alike."

Gay femme-phobia

The gay male culture has also become increasingly femme-phobic. Looking “straight” or even more straight than “straight” is the ideal. The six-pack is the new norm.

Over at iD Scottee Scottee, a femme queen, draws attention to ​femme-shaming and the need to fight back against gay-on-gay prejudice:

"Lets entertain Russell and Daniel's rhetoric that effeminacy is somehow performed -- then surely this means their beloved masculinity is also a performed action? 

My limp wrist, higher intonation and penchant for an ASOS blouse is not, contrary to popular belief a received action, I'm just being the person I feel I am. 

Granted when I'm wearing eight inches of foundation and covering myself in confetti perhaps this is a heightened version of my femme identity, but there's an argument here that this is only deemed outré because of the rules of gender our aforementioned attention seekers adhere to and enforce; perhaps we often try to be louder because we want to be heard. To paraphrase a Stonewall campaign slogan -- some people are camp, get over it."

For me femme shaming is yet another attempt by both religious, feminist and LGBT extremist to force the rest of the world to live to up to their ideals of restricted and puritan lives. It reflects centuries of sexual repression of women, the denial of sexuality in women and their pride in their female body and soul. It also turns the natural and healthy desire to celebrate yourself through clothing and appearance into something pathological.

And above all: It reinforces the cultural fear of femininity in people assigned male at birth.

Caitlyn Jenner's twitter photo. This is how she would like to be seen.

I may disagree with Caitlyn Jenner when it comes to parts of her politics, but I will never reduce her desire to appear feminine to a result of social conditioning. It reflects a genuine part of herself that is now, finally, given room to breathe.

The fact that femme shaming has become a concept gives me hope. This means that we can finally see and do something about this kind of oppression.

Planning a crossdreamer anthology

March 24, 2016, 3:19 am

≫ Next: Gender is so much more than chromosomes and genitalia

≪ Previous: Transphobia and femme shaming - two sides of the same coin

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Some of us over at the Crossdream Life forum are planning a crossdreamer anthology.

Think of it as a book that may answer some of the many questions asked by crossdreamers and crossdressers, gender variant people who are trying to understand themselves and their place in the world.

These would be questions and topics like:

• Transgender vs. crossdreamer
• Childhood Awareness
• Am I mentally ill?
• Is this a fetish?
• Why can’t I stop?
• How far will I have to go?
• Breaking the news
• Clothing and appearance
• Why does it seem to become so important in midlife?
• Why are we included in LGBT?

We are looking for crossdreamers and gender variant people who may discuss these and other topics. If you think that you can contribute, please add a comment here or or over at Crossdream Life, or send me and email (jack.molay@gmail.com).

We are not going to limit ourselves to new material. There are a lot of existing blog posts and forum comments out there that deserves a wider readership.

If you have a favorite blog post or comment, written by you or others, that you believe will be of help to crossdreamers and transgender people, please let us know in the same manner.

For more information, visit Crossdream Life.

Gender is so much more than chromosomes and genitalia

March 28, 2016, 6:14 am

≫ Next: The Faceless Man and The Transgender Totem

≪ Previous: Planning a crossdreamer anthology

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Trans man James P. Sheffield tweeted the perfect comment to the North Carolina governor on the consequences of a new chromosome-based law targeting transgender people. North Carolina will force trans people to use bathrooms on the basis of their assigned gender at birth, not their true gender.

These days trans-exclusionary radical feminists (TERFs) are actively invalidating transgender people, arguing that gender equals chromosomes and genitalia.  

In this guest blog post J takes a closer look at the chromosome argument.

By guest writer J.

The insistence of TERFs to categorize trans people's gender on the basis of genitalia runs deep. They insist that "a biological man" cannot be a woman.

Some of them stick to this belief even after proclaiming that they have stopped being TERFs. They may still be transphobic. They may still be very TERF.

Here is one ex-TERF claiming that "penis = male" is a "fact", adding no citations to prove her point.

Click on image text to read.

TERF defined

Now what is a TERF?

Here is a quick definition from the Rational Wiki:

"Trans-exclusionary radical feminism (or TERF; also Trans women exclusionary feminism, or TWEF) is a subgroup of radical feminism characterized by transphobia, especially transmisogyny, and hostility to the third wave of feminism. They believe that the only real women™ are those born with a vagina and XX chromosomes.  They wish to completely enforce the classic gender binary, supporting gender essentialism."

The idea that genitals defines sex is heavily entwined with TERF ideology.

Indeed, society at large seems to have somehow accepted the idea that a woman's cell must all be XX chromosomes and that she went through puberty with sex hormones produced by the ovaries. This idea now forms the basis of social laws.

Intersex people

This definition does not take into account the existence of intersex people (people who display distinct variations in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, or genitals "that do not fit typical binary notions of male or female bodies").

Science knows that the insistence that all cells of a women are XX as an illusion and assumption made by society.

It is possible for people to have both XX and XY chromosomes at the same time.

One woman  in her forties discovered that her body was largely made of XY cells. People can have XY chromosomes and yet have what appears to be an vagina.

But then again, what is biological? Brain scans have shown that the even before sex realignment treatment that the brains of transsexuals match more those of people sharing their gender identity and not their assigned sex.

This suggests that being transgender may well be biological in nature, and not "all-in-the-head". We should keep in mind that brains actually are biological.

Wide gender variation

Moreover, most people's brains aren't even completelty female nor male (if you base your analysis on features or abilities that are traditionally considered masculine or feminine, male or female).

Women with two X chromosomes should be known as a "typical women"at best, because the idea of a "biological woman" is unclear and contradictory.

Zinnia Jones has more on why what society defines as biological sex does not equal gender. 



What am I?

Let me use myself as an example:

• My chromosomes are XX (assumed).
• My puberty is caused by estrogen.
• I am not intersex (assumed- most intersex people don't even know that they are intersex). 
• I am trans (non-binary, gender-fluid).

Cassandra's presentation of gender dysphoria. Click on image to enlarge! (Originally found on Cassandra's blog).

Do I suffer from gender dysphoria?

• Social dysphoria: This depends on the situation; very mild case in my opinion; usually none; I don't really care if I am treated as a female unless the person is transphobic like not letting me into the toilet of my choice.
• Mind dysphoria: I have no idea.
• Body dysphoria: I used to suffer from body dysphoria, but not anymore.

I do not currently have a case of gender dysphoria; the symptoms of gender dysphoria do not match my experience right now.

What I know about my biological sex:

• XX, and therefore "typically female".
• Puberty is typically female.
• I am not intersex.
• I have had no brain scans.

Chromosomes, hormones and genitals

Cisnormativity defines biological sex on the basis of chromosomes, puberty changes, and genitals. Because of this my biological sex is considered female.  This way of thinking ignores that other extremely important biological factor known as the brain.

We have decided to arbitrarily define biological sex on three biological features (chromosomes, hormones, genitals). Someone with XX-chromosomes, a vagina and a estrogen puberty is therefore considered biologically female.

We made up the gender and sex binaries; they are social constructs. They do not exist in nature. There is no such thing as a biological female and biological male -- not really.  We made up this "fact", and now we  push people who do not fit these definitions into the categories of trans and intersex.

We decided to attach social roles  to what we perceive as a biological sex; these are called gender roles. Gender roles are not determined by biological sex. If they were gender roles throughout history and across cultures would be the same. They are not.

The biological reality is not binary. Biological sex looks more like the table included below.

Click on image to enlarge! Taken from an article in Nature.

This is the beautiful spectrum of sex. It ranges from typical female to trans to intersex to typical male. This spectrum does not run from biological male to biological female.

So when you call me a biological female, you are making some assumptions about my biology a (XX, estrogen sex hormones); you ignore any possible intersex status and deny that my gender has even the possibly of being biological at heart. You cannot know that.

J. is an FTM nonbinary transgender person, currently preparing the launch of their own blog. They have commented actively on several posts here at Crossdreamers.com.

Related posts:

Genes, hormones, sex and gender identity
What brain science says about MTF transsexuals
The story about Viktor and Viktoria and the inborn sex identity
On the statistical difference between men and women
Transinclusive feminism vs. radfem transphobia
How radical feminists are using the autogynephilia theory to persecute trangender
What Drives Transphobia?

The Faceless Man and The Transgender Totem

March 30, 2016, 2:48 am

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≪ Previous: Gender is so much more than chromosomes and genitalia

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Felix writes about using active imagination in his new book,  a tool that can help transgender people connect with the other self or the truegender as he calls it. (Photo by Mizina)

Felix Conrad, crossdreamer philosopher and agent provocateur, has published a new ebook: The Science & Art of Transgender Erotica.  This book contains a mix of philosophical essays and transgender fiction.

Felix Conrad  does not give a damn about the kind of social conditioning that makes people cringe when they see a four letter word or make them squirm when they read some really explicit descriptions of "kinky" sex.

He puts it all out there,  because crossdreamers need to face their sexual fantasies and stop being ashamed of them.

In order to accept yourself, you have to see yourself, and in order to do that, you have to get past sexual and cultural hang-ups regarding gender violations, sexual orientation and cross-gender arousal.

That being said, it could be that including an explicit sissy humiliation short story in a book discussing the origins of crossdreaming and gender dysphoria might confuse both transgender erotica connoisseurs and the ones looking for info on trans. But I do get the point: The story serves as an illustration of one of the topics of the book: (1) Why humiliation can be such a turn-on for some crossdreamers.

The other main topics are: (2) The sexual orientation of male to female crossdreamers and the role of the faceless man in crossdreamer fantasies, and (3) The use of active imagination in transgender psychology.

All these discussions presents some really interesting, but controversial, takes on what it means to be a male to female crossdreaming transgender person. (Like me Felix uses the word transgender as an umbrella term for all types of gender variance, while crossdreamer refers to the fact that some transgender people get aroused by the idea of being their target sex.)

In this post I will look at his discussion of "the faceless man" and the "inner totem" of MTF (male to female) crossdreamers.

The faceless man

In the chapters on the faceless man, Felix discusses the fact that many male to female crossdreamers fantasize about being a woman (or -- in some cases--  a feminized man) having sex with a man.  In particular he discusses some MTF crossdreamer's fascination for the male sex organ.

Why is it, Felix wonders, that MTF crossdreamers who fall in love with women fantasize about having sex with well equipped masculine men?

An important experiment presented in Felix' book takes place in the bar of the Majestic Hotel in Barcelona. Felix have to admit that, try as he might, he is not able to find the men attractive. The women, on the other hand.... (Photo: Majestic)

Felix dismisses the idea that they are closeted androphiles (i.e. that they are sexually oriented towards men):

"The superficiality of their attraction to men is revealed the second they go a little further up from the rippling chest and glorious manhood and actually look into the eyes. They get instantly turned off."

As Felix himself points out, this observation may easily lead to the conclusion made by Ray Blanchard in his autogynephilia theory: The men and their penises are fantasy props meant to affirm the crossdreamer's imagined femininity, and nothing more.


Felix even goes one step further:

"Basically, I'm raising the idea that just as we don't like men the way women do, we don't like women the way men do, either. Yes, we can fall in love with them, we can be just as good lovers as other men, and in almost every way be identical to a traditional hetero man, but let's consider a possibility which I will frame the way a fetish proponent would: we don't truly like women. (...) "

And this leads Felix to conclude that he does not have a sexual orientation in the traditional sense of the word.

Felix' evolutionary model

He then puts up a thought experiment aimed at explaining how his sexuality may come about. I am not going to present that experiment in detail here, but it is based on an evolutionary approach to the formation of gender and sexuality.

For Felix gender identity and sexual orientation are interconnected, even if the the diversity of individuals and communities may lead to much variation as regards how we identify and who we are attracted to. The original purpose of sex is procreation, Felix argues, and the two genders are part of that sexual dynamic.

Unlike the fetish enthusiasts, Felix strongly believe there is a biological basis for transgender conditions. There is a "gender core" that leads individuals to orient themselves in the social landscape, and behave in a "correct way". And for Felix, like many evolutionary psychologists, the basic "correct way" of nature is the one leading to having offspring.

In Felix' model, there are "errors" in the evolutionary system's programming that causes gender variance and different sexual orientations.

In the case of male to female crossdreamers, the gender core is female. But that is not all: Felix also proposes that in their case "the dopamine switch" (i.e. the "reward"system  that generates sexual arousal) is connected to the act of executing female behavior and being female, as opposed to the more traditional male/female interaction.

Felix argues that male to female crossdreamers have been hardwired not only to behave and feel like a woman... but to get a sexual reward out of it too.

The difference between Blanchard and Conrad

This sounds very much like Ray Blanchard's idea about "autogynephilia" being a separate sexual orientation to me.

Felix argues, though, that his theory is different from Blanchard's  in several important ways:

"In Blanchard's model -- although not stated explicitly -- it is very clear that he aims to convince the public that while this sexuality is based on the desire to be female, there is absolutely nothing female about the person who has it at all....

"In my hypothesis however, the gender core of the man is female (...) and the gender core is not only the CPU of each gender, but its very soul and driving force."

Felix also points out that another difference is that his theory is based on 21st century thinking, unlike Blanchard's, which is rooted in the 20th century (I would say 19th century).

Within the old belief system sexuality is something you can divorce from the rest of your personality. It is this that makes many MTF crossdreamers believe that if they get aroused by the idea of being their target sex, their dreams of being a woman is nothing but sexual desire. "It is only a fetish!"

Conrad disagrees:

"The fact, is though, that the desire to dress like a woman is never found in isolation but always with other female-oriented desires -- for example, he will posture himself like a woman ready to receive coitus like a woman. It is this wide ranging desire with its multiple permutations that show this is not a fetish and more likely to come from a biological, hardwired trigger."

I believe he is  right about this. Being transgender is as complex as being non-transgender, and sexuality is only one factor among many defining who a transgender person is and what makes him or her tick.

Stop the press! Jack Molay and Felix Conrad finally disagree on something!

I like the fact that Felix does not hesitate to discuss some of the most controversial sides of being transgender and -- for that matter -- transgender orthodoxy. The model he presents is interesting and forces me to rethink some of my own ideas about the causes of crossdreaming.

I am still not convinced MTF gynephilic crossdreamers have a different kind of sexual orientation, though. Blanchard has tried a similar approach, with no great success.

I understand why Felix argues this way, because he is right when he says that MTF crossdreamers do not love women in the same way other men do.

I believe that this is because MTF crossdreamers are not really men. We have, to use Felix's own terminology, some kind of "female gender core" and are therefore, in some fundamental way, women.

Compared to lesbians

I am perfectly aware of the fact that social upbringing gives MTF crossdreamers a very different framework for interpreting the world. We do not share the same life experience as non-transgender women (to the extent it is even possible to posit a "typical female life experience").

But if we follow Felix' logic -- that there is some kind of biological trigger that causes us to orient ourselves in the world as women would -- then it makes just as much sense to compare us to lesbian women as to heterosexual men.

Lesbians may also feel a fascination for the penis. (From an article on  lesbian sex).

Lesbian women have also a very different upbringing from MTF crossdreamers raised as heterosexual men. You cannot expect to find the exact same fantasies and desires among lesbian women.  Still, there are some amazing similarities.

Felix devotes more than a chapter to his fascination for penises. Many lesbians share this fascination. They are not attracted to men, but many of them are drawn to the phallus. They may, for instance,  make use of strapons and dildos. This usage is much more than a matter of mechanics.

Curious as always, I have actually taken the time reading lesbian erotica, and found that for some lesbians the "bulge" down there is arousing in itself.  Sometimes the phallus is associated with butch lesbians and masculinity, but it does not have to.

Some lesbians actually go out in public "packing", using "limp" strapon penises [NSFW] to get that alluring bulge. And the fact that trans men may do the same, does not in any way undermine my point. In this landscape of gender ambiguity the desire for c*ck is not limited to heterosexual women and gay cis men,

In other words: As soon as we open our minds to the insane number of combinations and constellations of personality traits, sexual desires and gender identities, the fact that a sexual fascination for the penis may be decoupled from procreation -- or for that matter: from men --- should come as no surprise.

Those who have seen the movie The Kids Are All Right, will also know that some lesbian women watch gay male porn, Again: This is not because they are attracted to men, but because they find the man on man dynamic alluring, including -- I would guess -- the act of penetration.

Clip from The Kids Are All Right. A lesbian couple, played by Julianne Moore and Anette Benning, has to explain to their son why his mothers are watching gay male porn. Their explanation reminds me of the MTF crossdreamer experience.

Diversity rocks!

If we on top of this adds the bisexual/polysexual dimension -- the fact that many people are attracted to both gender to a varying degree  -- there is ample room for the ambiguity of MTF crossdreamer sexual orientation.

Indeed, recent research on the sexual orientations of young people who have been raised in a more tolerant society as regards sexual orientation, tells us that among  the youngest Americans and Brits, between 40 and 50% now identify as some kind of bisexual. What this actually means, is not clear, but I suspect some of them may experience different types of attraction to the two (or more) genders, as do many MTF crossdreamers.

Many trans women report that they come to realize that they are bisexual post transitioning, There is a lot of internalized homophobia among MTF transgender people, which may have made them suppress this side of themselves when they have felt forced to present as men.

My point here is not that Felix is wrong when he says that he is not sexually attracted to men. I am sure he is right about this. I feel the same way myself. My point is simply that there is so much variation here that we do not have to propose the existence of some completely different kind of sexual orientation driven by an eroticized gender identity to explain these feelings.

More than trigger/response

I would also argue that the traditional evolutionary approach brings with it some premises that are probably false -- the main one being that sexual arousal is the effect of a simplistic trigger/response system, where it is visual clues given by a sexy person that triggers arousal.

There is much more to arousal that this. How we feel about ourselves also plays an important role. "Feeling sexy" makes us comfortable in our own skins, which leads to a positive feedback loop of reciprocal affirmation. I get horny because you find me attractive and vise versa.

These are the kind of feedback loops non-transitioning crossdreamers rarely experience, and that must have an effect on the sex they have with  their partner. Sure, MTF crossdreamers may be affirmed by their partner, but they are normally affirmed as men, not as women. This may make them conclude that they do not love women as heterosexual men (and lesbians?) do, but I would argue that this is mostly a matter of lack of opportunity.  Their lives do not allow for this kind of experience.  (More about this here!)

Maybe the difference between Felix and my position here is that I am less enthused about  these types of evolutionary models. Not that I do not believe in evolution, mind you, or that sexuality and gender are -- in some ways -- relevant for evolutionary selection. They clearly are.

But sex and gender have functions that go far beyond procreation. Felix himself documents this in his discussion of different sexualities and gender roles among other animals. Among many animals, humans and bonobos included, sex has a strong social function, which means that insemination is not the only way sex and gender leads to "evolutionary fitness". 

The average human being has sex more than 100 times a year, far more often than is needed to produced the required 2.4 kids during a life time. Sex is a tool for social bonding, comfort and health. That is why I am reluctant to think of gender variance or homosexuality as evolutionary "errors" of any kind. The MTF crossdreamers "lesbian" approach to sex, may lead to a strong "evolutionary fitness". It is not wrong, just different from the traditional cishet relationship.

If I read the book correctly, this is also Felix' fundamental belief, but he uses a language that can easily lead readers to think of crossdreamer sexuality as an error.

The Real Self: Stephanie

Transgender persons may explore their other self by imagining their totem. Stephanie is Felix' totem. (Photo of Allssandra Ambrosio).

My favorite part of the book is the short story about Stephanie. It is a body swap story of sorts. A man wakes up inexplicably in the body of a woman, and have to cope with the fact that everyone now believes that he -- now she -- is Stephanie.

This is the part of the book were Felix really shows us who he truly is, much more so than when he writes about c*cks and sexual humiliation.

The story about Stephanie is his story, a touching story about his inner woman, and it must have taken a lot of courage for him to write it down and share it.

Stephanie is everything he never was, and everything he never had.

He writes:

"...every transgender person has a Stephanie. In a way, it's kind of like the definition of being transgender. And today I'm hoping to convince you that your relationship with Stephanie is extremely important. Far from being the product of idle fantasy, she holds the key to who you are and where you need to go. That's why Stephanie is not just a fantasy, she is a totem."

Felix uses the term totem in the way I have used the term ponyo, as a term for the "inner woman" (in the case of MTF transgender persons), a kind of symbolic representation of the part of you that has been lost.

Felix puts it this way:

"In this case, the totem is an imagined self -- a spirit being -- who has deep personal significance and who shows you the way. A totem, as defined by Native American scholar, Basil H. Johnston, is .. 'that from which I draw my purpose, meaning, and being.'"

The autogynephilia and fetish approaches to crossdreaming are  destructive mainly because they dismiss this fundamental part of our personalities as an unreal product of a sexual kink or a perversion. It is, in fact, it is, the most important part of who transgender people truly are.

Regardless of how this side of us came to be, it demands to be heard and accepted.

Use your imagination!

Human beings are, as Felix points out, wired for using our imagination for self-discovery and individuation. Children explore their sense of self and their relationship with society around them in play. Adults do the same, through play, games and art, if they are allowed to do so. This kind of play gives their lives meaning and joy.

Children explore their potential and their identity through role playing. So should transgender people, Felix argues. (Photo: kiankhoon)

Crossdreamers are often driven to do the same, through cross-gender fantasies, role playing, crossdressing and through writing down fantasies of the kind presented in the book.

Felix writes:

"In my opinion, imagination is the key to truegender. It is a psychological time-travel machine that permits you to see what you have suffered and lost in the past, how you truly feel in the present, and where you want to go in the future."

The fantasy girl that lies at the center of a crossdreamer's fantasy is -- in one sense -- the real person, and not the mask that person shows to the world:

"The following may not sound very flattering but as a trangender being ... you are uniquely broken. When I look at you I think of one of those beautiful golden hearts with a crack down the center. You have a body, a social identity and a history, but girls like Stephanie are the way the universe tells you that it's all a lie. So yes, you are uniquely broken, and that's why phrases like 'the real you' have real meaning for people like us."

Those who have read books and blog posts by Felix will know that this does not mean he believes that all transgender people should transition. But it does meant that we should gather the courage to look our own Stephanie in the eye. And one way of doing that is to learn to know your totem.

The ebook is available over at Amazon.

See also:
Felix Conrad's site: Transcendmovement.com
Must Read Transgender and Crossdreamer Reflections by Felix Conrad
Felix Conrad Talks about Transgender Research, Crossdreaming and Beach Clubbing
Felix Conrad Unmasks the Autogynephilia Theory in New Book on Transgender

An introduction to the autogynephilia debate

April 19, 2016, 4:59 am

≫ Next: Prince as a Crossdreamer, and What it Means for the Transgender Debate

≪ Previous: The Faceless Man and The Transgender Totem

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So someone has brought up Ray Blanchard's concept of autogynephilia in a discussion of gender variance and transgender women. They are all sexual perverts, they tell you. The science proves it! 

The autogynephilia theory says that MTF crossdressers and trans women who love women are men driven by a desire  for their inner woman. Yepp,it is yet another attempt at  invalidating a marginalized group by sexualizing them. Photo: Voyagerix

Actually it doesn't. 

Here is some essential reading that will bring you up to speed on the topic of cross-gender arousal, crossdreaming and transgender identities. 

Welcome to the seedy side of sexology. Welcome to the autogynephilia debate.  

Start with my summary of the AGP controversy. 

Julia Serano, leading trans philosopher and trans activist, presents cross-gender arousal in her highly influential book Whipping Girl, which has just been published in its second edition. 

She understands crossdreaming (i.e. arousal from imagening yourself as your target sex) as an expression of a subconscious identity. Serano has written about her approach to what she calls female embodiment fantasies here. 

Serano has also commented on the claim that trans activists are denying the existence of trans-gender arousal. And here is a more academic paper by Serano: "The Case Against Autogynephilia."  

Dr. Charles Moser has identified "autogynephilic" fantasies in non-transgender women. Yeah, i know, cis women have had a different life experience than trans women. The point is simply that they too can get excited by feeling sexy; that does invalidate their identity.

If anyone tells you (as Blanchard will) that there are no female to male crossdreamers, you should take a look at my research. I have written several posts on the lives of FTM crossdreamers and "girlfags", and know many of them. You may start here: "The Yaoi Culture and the Female to Male Crossdreamers." 

The novelist Imogen Binnie has written a very sarcastic and funny review of J. Michael Bailey's book, The Man Who Would be Queen. Bailey attempted to popularize the autogynephilia theory, revealing the underpinning sexism and gender stereotypes in the process. Binnie captures this in a brilliant manner!

If you want a different take on autogynephilia from an MTF crossdreamer who has not transitioned and who does not plan to do so, you should take a look at the writings of Felix Conrad. He has published a series of well-written (and funny!) reflections on crossdreaming.There is even a couple of books!

For more resources, you may look at Lynn Conway's site and the resources listed by Andrea James.  I also recommend Kelley Winter's paper on autogynephilia.

See also my complete list of autogynephilia resources.